"I was at the doctor and I asked, 'Do you think I'm healthy enough?' 'For sex? Yeah, I think so.' 'Well that's weird.' 'Why?' 'Because you're my eye doctor.' "
"Men are so cheap that right here in the room tonight, some guy is trying to get laid with a coupon."
"Anthony Hopkins is in this movie where he's an exorcist and this lady pays with a check and it bounces. So she gets repossessed."
This is Gary Hood's brain on comedy - a bit twisted, a bit profane, somewhat old-school and reliably funny.
And for the first time in more years than he cares to recount, Hood - Hoodie to longtime fans and Laffs Comedy Caffe regulars - will co-headline a show at Laffs. He shares the marquee with national touring headliner Matt Golightly.
The gig returns Hood to a spotlight he enjoyed throughout the 1970s and '80s, when he headlined comedy clubs around the country and performed abroad.
He was a props comedian in the early days, working lounges and bars.
"There were no comedy clubs," said the 63-year-old, three-times divorced Chicago native, who retains a little of that city's signature accent.
His props included a Godzilla action figure and a doll; in the 1980s, he traded the doll for a Care Bear.
"I had a baby nailed to a piece of lumber and I used to hold it up and say 'Baby On Board'," he said. "It was very clubby. Very one-joke and one-liney."
In the mid-1980s, Hood moved from Los Angeles to Tucson and performed comedy in bars and clubs around the area. He also performed at Laffs, the state's first full-fledged comedy club, until he left in 1996 for a comedy club management job out of state.
"It was awesome. My day job was comedy, and my night job was comedy," he said.
When he returned to Tucson in 2008 to work at Laffs with the club's founder, Gary Bynum, Hood's traveling days were all but finished. He could no longer fly nor drive long distances "because I'm nuts," he said. The one time in recent years that he tried to get on a plane, air marshals had to escort him off when he became too upset.
Without the flexibility to travel, his headlining gigs also were a thing mostly of the past.
Which brings him to this weekend: Four shows that will test Hood's ability to step up to the big spotlight again.
He secretly hopes he does better than Golightly, whom he calls an awesome comedian. He wouldn't exactly call it a challenge, Hood said, but he does think he has something to prove, even if it's only to himself.
"It's just like showbiz: If I can't put a whip on this guy during the four shows, I'll probably only be the feature," he said. "Just like Ted Williams said, his last at bat was a home run. This better … be a home run."
If you go
• What: Matt Golightly and Gary Hood in concert.
•When: 8 and 10:30 p.m. Friday and Saturday.
• Where: Laffs Comedy Caffe, 2900 E. Broadway.
• Cost: $10 and $15 by calling 323-8669.
