Dear Amy: I am a 38-year-old woman. I was raised by a single father, who sacrificed a lot for me growing up. He never dated and was devoted to me.
I was a terrible teenage girl, and I mean awful. I put him through things that no parent should ever have to deal with. Now that I am the mother of a teenage daughter, who is quite honestly almost perfect, I feel even worse for the pain I put him through.
I moved away from home when I was 18 and didn't return until about five years ago (after my divorce). I lived 3,000 miles away from him for my daughter's entire childhood, only seeing him twice a year.
When we moved back home, my dad got to spend much-needed quality time with my daughter, and he continued to do so every weekend, until he met his new girlfriend (now wife), who is only eight years older than me.
Now he's missing everything. So once again we are only seeing him during holidays and maybe the occasional monthly visit, and we live eight miles away.
My daughter is hurt and resents his new wife.
I have admittedly been passive-aggressive, saying things like, "We miss you. Is your phone broken?" But how can I be so angry about this when he gave up so many years for me?
Dad makes excuses for his wife, saying that she's just not as social as we are.
How can I make our relationship right again without making him feel as if he has chosen his wife over us?
โ Only Child
Dear Only Child: Your father sacrificed everything for you during your own childhood. You were a self-admitted awful teenager, and then you chose to move 3,000 miles away for 15 years. (There is certainly nothing wrong with moving away from home. Your job as a young adult is to live your life, wherever you choose.)
When it served your interests to move back home, you did, and your father again stepped up to be a dutiful and devoted dad and granddad. But how much of his life does he need to devote primarily to you?
He has now found someone to share his life with full time, and you are pouring on the guilt.
Your father's new wife is close to your age, so you should try harder to befriend her.
It would be a kindness to him if you would stop blaming him and start trying to give back to him, being generous and behaving kindly toward his wife. They are together, and so treat them as a couple.
Unselfish, understanding and mature behavior would set a good example for your daughter, and might ease the path toward you getting what you want.
Dear Amy: My friend "Jack" and I have been best friends for more than 35 years.
We have raised our families together, vacationed together, worked for the same company in the same profession, etc. During this time I introduced Jack to my daughter's boyfriend, "Sam."
After a six-year relationship, Sam and my daughter broke up.
The breakup was very abrupt and was due to Sam's selfishness. Jack knows how my wife and I feel about Sam and how he hurt our daughter, but he continues to have a close relationship with him. Jack wants to stay best friends with me, regardless of his relationship with Sam. Am I justified to tell Jack that if he wants to keep his close relationship with Sam, then I will remain friendly but not keep the relationship we've had for all these years?
โ Befuddled Friend
Dear Befuddled: You get to say whatever is on your mind and heart. You owe it to your longtime friend to be honest about how his behavior affects you, but you don't get to dictate to your friend who else he can be friends with. So yes, you should say, "I really can't stand 'Sam,' so I don't want to spend time around him, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring up his name."
Breakups are tough on everyone in the family. I hope it doesn't break up your friendship too.
Dear Amy: "Feeling Guilty" reported an awkward encounter with a transgender person who Guilty mistakenly called "Sir." I liked your response. My son is male-to-female transgender and I did this, too, at first. It's called "misgendering," and unless it is intentional, it's OK.
โ Proud Mom
Dear Mom: Thank you.
