Dear Amy: At the age of 21, I was in love with โSteve.โ We planned a life together, but broke up for a bunch of dumb reasons.
Weโd see each other every two or three years at gatherings with mutual friends. I did eventually get over him and we both partnered with other people.
Iโve been with โBradโ for almost 12 years. Iโve helped to raise his (now 15-year-old) daughter and we are close, even though when she was 12 Brad and I moved 2,000 miles away. (Now his daughter is planning to move in with us.)
During one trip home, I met up with Steve and his wife one day for lunch. Steve and I reminisced the whole time.
A few days later, Steve told me he has more fun memories with me than with his wife. I feel the same way. We decided to talk/text more often because we miss our close friendship.
After three weeks of talking and texting just about every night, he confessed he never stopped loving me and wanted to kiss me the day we met for lunch.
I told him I felt the same. I asked why he didnโt break up with his wife and come back to me. We decided that we want to get back together in the near future. We also both feel that our current relationships are a result of us โjust settling.โ
Steveโs wife has no idea that he wants to leave her, but Brad knows about it and he is OK with whatever the outcome is.
Brad and I have been in a rut, but still love each other. I want to be with Steve and know heโs my soul mate, but feel bad leaving Brad.
Please help! What would you do?
โ Lost
Dear Lost: You ask what I would do, but this isnโt about me; itโs about you.
You and your guy โBradโ are not married. You say you have been honest with him about the rekindling of your attachment to โSteve.โ Iโm not sure why Brad doesnโt feel betrayed by you, but according to you he is willing (if not happy) to release you from the relationship.
You are consciously and deliberately interfering in someone elseโs marriage, and that is unethical. The ethical course is for you to state your truth and then to tell Steve: โGet in touch with me after you have exited your marriage, and weโll take it from there.โ
There is also a child involved in this drama (Bradโs daughter). If you leave him, you will be leaving her, too.
Iโve always believed the whole โsoul mateโ concept was a stretch, but once you and he are unencumbered by other relationships and commitments, you will be free to test it for yourself.
Dear Amy: I feel like Iโm spinning out of control.
Iโm four years sober, and the love of my life died a year ago. This will always hurt, and I understand that. Iโm in my early 50s.
Iโve been trying to get out and meet people and make friends, but I sense a needy side to myself that I do not like. I know neediness is something that can drive people away. Iโve been an introvert my whole life. Iโm not on social media, by choice. The few connections Iโve made are special to me, and Iโm in fear of wearing them out (calling too much, or texting). Tell me, what am I getting wrong?
โ Philip in East Texas
Dear Philip: One way to deal with your (perceived) neediness would be to channel it in ways that donโt overly burden your friends.
I hope you are participating in meetings to support your sobriety. You might consider becoming a sponsor as a way to connect with and help someone else. A grief group could also be very helpful for you. Contact your local hospice center or hospital for recommendations.
It is OK to have needs. It is OK to have feelings, emotions and challenges. Your true friends will understand that your neediness may flare, but friendship should involve a balanced exchange, where both partiesโ needs are being met.
Dear Amy: Wow. I was not prepared for the letter from โIn a Quandary,โ the man who wrote of his wifeโs illegal abortion, pre-Roe v. Wade.
I found this very powerful. I appreciated his willingness to tell his story, and your choice to run it in your column.
โ Supportive
Dear Supportive: The response to this letter has surprised me a little bit and has been extremely supportive.
