When we become parents, we’re constantly surrounded by people.
And yet, we often feel lonely or isolated. Especially if we’re the first one of our friends to enter the ranks of parenthood.
“It’s isolating if you’re the only one having a child,” said Kim Metz, specialty service director at The Parent Connection, a program of Arizona’s Children Association, which offers support, classes and resources for families. “Without the support and camaraderie with other parents, you may feel like you’re the only one walking the hallways in the middle of the night, getting up with to take care of a sick child or not getting enough sleep.”
Kidless friends try to understand — the exhaustion, stress, joy — but, they don’t get it. Not completely. And we shouldn’t expect them to.
In many cases, our only experience with children is to have been one, Metz said. “And we don’t remember or realize our parents weren’t getting sleep or dedicating their lives to us, so, we wonder if we’re doing it right.”
So, what do we do?
We make parent friends. Not to replace our old friends, of course. Nothing can.
Having a network of parents raising families at the same time we are is vital to the well-being of the parents, Metz said. It decreases stress and increases feelings of competence by sharing ideas. “It’s important to not feel you’re the only one,” Metz said.
Making parent friends can be hard if you don’t know where to look.
Yeah, there are tons of parents out there. But, when you become one, it’s like being the new kid at school. Do you just start going up to people at Target? Chat up the moms at the playground?
Doing so can lead to new friends. But, for some, that approach doesn’t work so well.
Daniel Kinn, a stay-at-home-dad to one child has been looking for other parents to connect with, for him as well as friends for his son. He only knows one or two other stay-at-home dads.
“Interestingly enough, I’m almost reverse discriminated against from women,” Kinn said. “Women think I have a motive behind wanting to meet up with them and their kids. All I want is a play friend for my son. It’s very disheartening.”
Joining a group or attending classes is a good way to combat those issues, Metz said.
For example, The Parent Connection offers Baby and Me as well as Stay and Play groups for parents and children. Despite what people think, the classes are not play groups, and they’re not just for moms.
Rather, they are play-based parenting groups that provide an opportunity for parents to “play with their children, get support around their parenting and form a network of other parents who are experiencing child raising at the same time you are with children near the same age as your children,” Metz said.
And, Metz said, dads attend these groups. “We get dads at our groups because there are lots of stay at home dads now,” Metz said. “Even at Baby and Me, we have dads that come and realize they are treated the same as moms.”
Stay and Play and Baby and Me groups meet at places like libraries and churches and are free to attend. Find them online at theparentconnectionaz.org
Barbie Patterson, mother of two, went from working full-time and being very social to being alone with her baby.
“None of my existing friends were having babies at the same time, so it was a challenging time,” Patterson said.
She found like-minded mom friends at the now-closed Gymboree. “There was a good group of about nine of us,” Patterson said. “We visited some during classes and went to open gym, which was less formal and we just started talking a little bit more, then started going to lunch afterwards. That evolved into play dates and that evolved into girls nights out. We’re all very close.”
Since it worked so well for her, Patterson recommends making friends at the kids’ activities, such as the gym, library story times or mom groups.
“You just have to be brave and ask people on that first play date,” Patterson said. “It’s very much like asking someone on a date-date and its kinda hard, but, you just have to be willing to take that leap.”
Another option is Meetup groups.
Meetup.com is like an online bulletin board posting group gatherings. There are tons of Meetup groups — parent groups, exercise groups, artist groups and more. It’s free to sign up and find a group. Once you join one, you may have to pay dues, depending on your group.
Lisa Ramirez, mother of two children, is a co-organizer of Meetup Moms Group of Tucson, which has 124 members.
“I was a working professional before I became a stay-at-home mom,” Ramirez said. “You definitely feel isolated when all of your friends are coworkers or have older children, and you don’t often see those friends anymore.”
She describes the Meetup group as being “heaven sent.” The group has activities from educational to play groups. So, it provides many opportunities for the parents and kids to socialize with others.
Ramirez has gained some good friends through the Meetup group. “We just moved to a different side of town, and we’re close to two of the moms who are in the group, so now we’re constantly hanging out together and our kids are hanging out at each other’s house, in addition to the events at Meetup.”
Although the group is for moms, Ramirez said they try to incorporate dads into some of the events.
“I can’t stress enough how great it’s been for me,” Ramirez said. “It kinda keeps me sane through motherhood.”
Similar to Meetup groups, Facebook has several established groups for parents. Some are online sounding boards to bounce ideas off of each other, and some plan activities and opportunities to meet in person, as well. Find them by typing key words in the search bar on top of the home page.
Aimee Cronenberg, mother of two, belongs to a mom’s group on Facebook. She found it “invaluable” when her children were very young.
“I didn’t really know any other moms with kids the same age as mine, as well as moms who share the same sort of parenting philosophies as I did,” Cronenberg said. “It feels to me like this kind of moms group is absolutely ideal for people who have infants and toddlers, and then, by the time of the kids getting to school age, you’ve sort of established the people that you are closest to, and you continue to have play dates with them, but not necessarily with the whole group.”
Another good thing about Facebook groups is that people can ask for help or advice and get an answer any time of day or night without having to wait until they can meet with people in person, Cronenberg said.
For expectant moms, there are due-date clubs — a group of mothers who are all due around the same time. One website that has them is mothering.com
Cronenberg joined a due-date club when she was pregnant with her daughter in 2010.
“Now, six years later, we are actually still a very active group of friends,” Cronenberg said. “Some of these ladies know more about me than any other person. The fact that we don’t get to meet in person doesn’t change how close we all are.”
