DEAR AMY: My mother-in-law has recently started a Facebook account. There are three of us sisters-in-law and we all find this a great way for her to keep up with the grandkids. However, she shares every single photo we post.
The aunt is widowed and has been speaking to men over Facebook and one of these men shared a photo of my daughter to his Facebook friends! This was truly alarming.
I immediately asked this person (whom Iโve never met) to take the photo down. After a day I was still so shaken that I deleted my account. My mother-in-law was heartbroken.
Facebook photo-sharing is tricky with relatives. There is no specific setting to not allow people to share photos (you can only restrict an audience). I donโt want to restrict family members from photos. I just donโt want them shared. Until Facebook develops this feature, how do I respectfully explain to my mother-in-law I donโt want her sharing so many pictures, because others in her circle seem to think that by her sharing, they are welcome to do that as well?
Outside of an honest conversation with my mother-in-law, is it appropriate to make a disclaimer in the description of the photo (or status) to ask for my permission before sharing?
โ Media Mom
Dear Mom: Until Facebook gives people a way to lock down their own photos, you can try to at least control who sees them by customizing your settings, restricting who sees your photos to only โfriendsโ or a family group. This means that even if your mother-in-law (or aunt) shares a photo, it wonโt actually be seen by anyone outside your designated circle. You should also use the FB tools for tagging, so you will be notified whenever your child is tagged.
However, it is important to remember that anyone can take a screenshot of a photo and share it freely.
Explain to your mother-in-law why social media sharing is not like running into a friend and showing them a cute picture of the grandkids. Understand that this is a typical rookie mistake. It is basic FB etiquette to always ask permission to share someone elseโs material.
If you decide to hop back on Facebook, whenever you post a photo you donโt want shared, definitely post a request along with the photo: โPlease donโt share this or any other photo without permission.โ
I often cringe when I see photos and videos of young children on social media, knowing where they could end up.
This episode is a reminder that the only real control resides with you.
DEAR AMY: I have received a gift with a note, which reads, โIโm passing items on to family and friends this Christmas, and thought you might enjoy this lovely book, originally given to me by a dear pal many years ago.โ
Is this something new that I have missed out on?
Will it be all right for me to โre-giftโ someone with the ugly gravy boat I received as a wedding present 40 years ago?
The original donor passed away long ago.
โ Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering: The person who re-gifted this book to you went to the trouble of choosing, wrapping and (perhaps) shipping it to you, along with a note. The giver was also transparent about the origin of the gift.
Some (mainly older) people start winnowing their possessions by passing things along to others. Sometimes this is because they have run out of ideas or resources, and yet still want to celebrate the holiday. You can see this as โre-giftingโ or as simply โgiving.โ The spirit you bring to the transaction will dictate how it goes for you.
I think itโs a great idea to pass along your gravy boat. The only thing you need to do is to find a recipient who might like it and who is also kinder and more tolerant than you are.
DEAR AMY: โJadedโ wondered why his executive recruiter was so offended when he tried to negotiate his salary for a new position.
Iโve worked in executive search, staffing and HR for many years. I would recommend he reach out to the manager after the discussion with the recruiter. Why? Sometimes recruiters and managers arenโt always in sync with regard to realistic salary expectations. Contacting the manager directly wouldnโt be a bad thing.
โ Experienced
Dear Experienced: Thank you. I agreed with โJadedโ that he should not be rebuffed for negotiating. Thank you for offering an additional suggestion.
