OK, here I am back in December getting ready to crank out these peanut butter balls I only make, for good reason, during the holidays. Peanut butter? Check. Powdered sugar? Check. Butter? Check. Chocolate chips? Check. Parafin? Check — though getting harder to find all the time. Doesn’t anyone around these parts can anymore?
So anyway, all I needed now was the Rice Krispies. I reached for the box and started pouring. Hey, what’s with all those little sparkly lumps? Turns out, I had bought not your traditional Rice Krispies, but something in an almost-identical package called Rice Krispies Treats.
Realizing these were lumps way too big to ever work, I tried smashing them down with a rolling pin. Still too big, and way too sweet. Nothing to do but trot back to the store. “And make sure you get the right ones,” I hollered to my husband, who had volunteered for duty.
These days, that’s no easy chore. Do you realize Kellogg’s puts out six varieties of Rice Krispies, including Cocoa, Frosted, Mini-Squares and, of course, Gluten-Free?
When I was a kid, our cereal choices were corn flakes, shredded wheat and Cheerios. Then when I was about 10, a new cereal hit the market shelves called Trix — fruit-flavored orbs with absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. Naturally, we clamored for them. And miracle of miracles, our mother — who viewed Cream of Wheat as a little exotic — gave in. But she wisely said no to Cocoa Puffs and all the other gimmickry that would soon swell the cereal aisles.
Today’s cereals are far from alone when it comes to customer confusion. Making spaghetti? Do you want Hunt’s traditional Tomato Sauce; Tomato Sauce with Basil, Garlic and Oregano; No-Salt-Added Tomato Sauce; or perhaps Tomato Sauce with Roasted Garlic? Or, if you prefer canned tomatoes, there’s always Fennel and Red Pepper, not to be confused with Spicy Red Pepper.
Let’s skip over to frozen foods, specifically ice cream. How about plain old vanilla? Not so quick. Do we want French, No-Sugar Added, Yogurt, Vanilla Bean, Extra Creamy or Lactose-Free?
Laundry products can also put us in a quandary. Take Tide. Used to be there was one kind, powder only, in a couple of sizes. Today there are at least seven liquid varieties, with or without bleach, perfumes, softeners and odor eliminators. And don’t forget those pods.
If all this becomes a tad too much, why not take time to relax with a Coke? But what kind? Classic, Caffeine-Free, Zero, Diet, Cherry, Black Cherry Vanilla, Cherry Zero, Cherry Zero Caffeine-Free, Diet With Lime or Diet Coke with Splenda?
After you’ve made your selection — preferably before the store closes for the night — you might as well get some potato chips over in the next aisle. Yikes. Lay’s alone carries 18 varieties of chips. Among them: Cheesy Garlic Bread, Dill Pickle-Flavored and Pico de Gallo. Even good old Fritos now comes in seven flavors, including Honey Barbecue and Chili Cheese. What? No Vanilla Bean?
If all this leaves you in a lather, especially you manly types, it might be prudent to check out the aisle of men’s deodorants, namely Old Spice. What in the world has happened to the stuff our fathers and grandfathers used to swipe on before preparing for work, war or wooing? Besides “Classic,” the familiar stick deodorant now comes in more than a dozen scents, including “Playmaker,” “Smooth Blast” and “Fiji.”
Actual advertisement: “For the cost of a stick of antiperspirant, you can send your armpits to the exotic islands of Fiji.”
Fine. Send your armpits to Fiji. Meanwhile, the rest of us can be found sweating it out somewhere over in Aisle 17, haplessly picking our way through an ever-increasing cavalcade of choices.
