Dear Amy: I have been married for over 20 years. My wife and I have had our share of issues. I have made my share of mistakes. Over the past 18 months we have been going to marriage counseling and have worked to address some of those issues.
Over the last 12 months, she has started getting verbally abusive when she has had too much to drink. At these times, she says things that are filled with pure rage and have a stinging effect for a long period of time.
To make matters worse, when I approach her about it, she remembers none of it and I am forced to relive all of it as I attempt to describe what she said and the effect it has had on me.
I have made it very clear that I think she has an alcohol-abuse problem, and her response is to say that she is sorry and will watch her quantity of drinking to make sure it does not happen again. Yet, it has happened again, repeatedly.
I suffer from low self-esteem as it is, and her comments truly hurt more than I can say. I have told her numerous times that if she keeps it up, she is going to lose me, and yet I stay, as a result of the vicious cycle of my low self-esteem.
How do I find the courage to tell her enough is enough and finally stand up for myself?
— Verbally Battered and Bruised
Dear Battered: You and your wife are currently seeing a marriage counselor. Even though it is very painful for you to do so, it is vital that you bring up this alcohol-fueled abuse with the counselor. Your wife’s drinking and abusive behavior is a major factor in the viability of your marriage. She will want to diminish it, but you have the right and responsibility to present your own truth.
You might want to create an audio (or video) recording of one of your wife’s tirades. She might be inspired to confront her drinking if she is also confronted with the reality of her behavior when she is drunk, and its impact on you.
However, regardless of whether your wife acknowledges or confronts her drinking, you need to take care of yourself.
Self-esteem and courage don’t always strike like lightning, transforming your life in a flash. These qualities are the result of a process of experiences overlaid with self-reflection and propped up by kindness and personal support.
Attending Al-anon meetings could help you confront and cope with your own vulnerabilities, and receive support and understanding from people who are working their own solutions. Check al-anon.org for a local meeting.
Dear Amy: My best friend has been having an affair with a married guy for 12 years. She got pregnant (willingly). He promised he would divorce his wife after she gave birth. Of course, that never happened.
I have kept her secret for too long because 1) It’s none of my business and 2) It would get her into trouble.
But now with the baby born, I feel that keeping this secret protects this man and does more harm to my friend.
I know she’s an adult and can make her own decisions. But adults can make bad decisions, too. And by not telling the wife, I feel like I am allowing a bully to get away with hurting my friend.
What you ignore, you empower. Isn’t that the case here?
— Caught in a Dilemma
Dear Caught: I’d like to approach this from the perspective of the wronged wife. Isn’t she the one being hurt the most? Isn’t she the one whose vows have been broken? Your friend willingly entered into this arrangement, as did the cheating husband. The wife presumably is the person whose life will be most upended by this knowledge.
Cheated-upon spouses always say they wish someone had told them. If you personally know the wife, perhaps you should approach this by weighing her right to know versus your friend’s right to make her own mistakes.
Dear Amy: I endorse how you let “Cheerfully Childless in Chicago” know that in a family context their siblings with small children will inevitably talk about kids because “kids is what they do.”
What you neglected to point out is that nieces and nephews are an asset, they are the kids who can be enjoyed for a few hours and then returned to their parents so that cheerful childlessness can be resumed!
— Affectionate Aunt
Dear Aunt: Amen!
