Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together almost 19 years and have two children together. We’ve had our ups and downs.
Approximately five years ago, we had an argument and he kicked me out of the home, which led me to stay with my mother out of town.
During this time, I begged to come home and was denied. After about a month, I discovered that he had flown out of state, rented a hotel room and rental car for three days so he could meet a 19-year-old girl he met on Instagram!
I don’t know if it was out of retaliation or feeling rejected (probably both), but I also had an affair, which I’ve regretted every day since.
I have forgiven him, and he claimed the same. I thought things were good.
Last winter, I stumbled upon a letter he had written to a 26-year-old heroin addict who was, at that time, in prison for a drug possession charge she caught right after they met. They were having an intense emotional affair.
We were working past that and in therapy.
Things started getting better until I stumbled upon an email confirmation of a review he had posted about an escort he had been with.
He confessed to having paid contact with 10 different escorts over the past year.
I’m at the end of my rope. I love him but he’s trying to justify it by claiming I was ignoring him.
I was going to school and working to try and better our financial problems!
I can’t even look at him without thinking about his disgusting behavior.
What do I do? I don’t want to throw away 19 years!
Our kids have been staying with their grandparents to spare them this drama, but they obviously know that things are not good. Please help!
— R, from Colorado
Dear R: Sigh. You don’t say how old your children are, but within the last five years, their mother has been “kicked out” of the home for an extended period and their dad went on an out-of-town sex bender.
Since then, the drama has been near-constant. (And can I just mention that a guy who posts an online review of a paid escort is a guy who is begging to get caught?)
I could lecture you about putting your children first, and I hope you are capable of that. For now, the kids have been put out of the home so that their parents can continue to play out their relationship drama.
I have to assume that their lives are more stable with their grandparents, but you must imagine the longer-term impact on them. Your behavior now is literally scripting their future.
You say you two are in therapy, but it is hard to imagine that a competent therapist would counsel you to stay together.
My advice is for you to get tested for STDs and undertake the process of dissolving your marriage. You might interpret this as “throwing away 19 years,” but I would tell you that this is a lifeline to a fresh start.
Dear Readers: Today I was in the doctor’s office getting a flu shot (ahem, so should you). The RN administering the injection said, “Amy, I have a bone to pick with you.”
Now, I’m used to these conversations, but this admonition from a health-care professional about to jab me with a needle really got my attention.
She proceeded to tell me that when I answer questions from readers regarding depression, in her opinion, I tend to offer compassionate and correct counsel.
And then she proceeded with the bone-picking. “You do a good job, but leave out the most important part!” she said.
What is that?
“Anyone struggling with a mental health issue should visit their primary care physician first. Mental illness is often linked to other medical problems. A physician can help with the initial diagnosis and develop a care plan.”
I responded that I thought this was more or less common knowledge, and perhaps didn’t need restating, but I think I’m wrong about that, and I’m grateful to this concerned health-care professional for pointing it out.
Dear Amy: Responding to the question from a short person who was tired of people’s comments, I am a tall person who ONCE made a joke about someone’s height. I was given an answer I will never forget: “Yes, I may be short, but you making a comment like that makes you seem awful small.”
— Touche
Dear Touche: Impressive.
