Dear Amy: My husband and I are expecting our first baby. We would prefer to avoid all hyper-gendered baby trappings.
For us, this goes beyond the usual pink and blue, as weโve seen baby clothing with incredibly sexist language, e.g. โBorn to shopโ or โFuture trophy wifeโ for girls, and โLock up your daughtersโ for boys.
Our goal is to minimize sexism in our parenting, e.g. to talk to boys about their feelings, and tell girls they are smart and capable. How can we best communicate this to our families?
So far, weโve feigned ignorance of our babyโs sex, which we know from genetic testing. Weโll soon have the mid-pregnancy ultrasound where sex is usually discovered. Also, we could slip up and accidentally use a gendered pronoun.
Would it be best to simply let everyone know our preference for gender-neutral items? Could we tell them weโre keeping the sex a secret for now, and why? Or would it be best to just tell the sex, try our best to say thank you for all gifts (no matter how awful) and quietly discard or donate the ones we find to be overly gendered?
How should we handle any sexism issues that may arise later, e.g. if grandma tends to tell a girl that she looks pretty, but never asks about her interests or hobbies? While it will be easy to toss sexist gifts, it will be much harder to ignore sexist treatment of our children.
โ Modern Parents
Dear Modern Parents: As a society, we are currently in the process of rethinking the binary understanding of gender. And so your baby may be assigned a sex at birth, but may develop anywhere along a gender spectrum.
When people ask you the babyโs gender, you can say, quite truthfully, โWeโll see!โ If people want some direction regarding gifts, you could say, โWeโre painting the room yellow. Anything with animals on it might be fun.โ
I applaud your desire to keep your unborn childโs sex private. I loathe those โgender-revealโ videos that couples post on social media, showing their unborn childโs sex in a variety of โcuteโ ways.
In the grand tick-tock leading up to a babyโs birth, it is both natural and wise to talk about these important issues, but I hope you will also absorb this basic truism: Life might be perfect, if it werenโt for other people.
You could create a completely non-sexist household, and your young child might introduce gender-norms into your lives, anyway. Sometimes boys really do prefer trucks to dolls. Many a 4-year-old girl has busted her feminist motherโs assumptions through energetic princess-play. Old-fashioned grandmothers will always tell their little granddaughters that they are pretty, and granddads might tell their grandsons to โbuck up.โ Your primary role in your childโs life is to explain the world. And sometimes the best explanation is, โItโs complicated.โ
Dear Amy: Each month I volunteer to help a group devoted to families who adopt and foster children.
At the last gathering, a same-sex couple attended with their adoptive children.
I disagree with this arrangement. I realize my discomfort is old-fashioned and not a very popular opinion these days.
I have nothing against this couple, and respect their decision to take these kids into their lives. In this country, everyone is free to their own opinions and lifestyle choices.
Am I just being a homophobic jerk, or is it OK to disagree with something that I do not understand?
โ Trending but not Trendy
Dear Trending: Homophobia is the โirrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuals.โ This seems to apply to you.
You donโt say what offends you so much about two adults adopting children who would otherwise stay in the foster care system, in fact, you say you respect them. So, you merely disagree with these people for basically existing in the world, and entering the same space you occupy.
Yes, you are free to hold your opinions about others, and to live your (presumably heterosexual) lifestyle. This couple may also be judging you harshly. If you want to assuage your discomfort, you should make an effort to get to know them.
Dear Amy: โCampsterโ expressed his concern about taking his newly sober friend on their annual camping trip, where they would be with others who were refusing to abstain from drinking. Thank you for noting how tender his sobriety is.
You should have suggested that the two of them go by themselves on a no-alcohol camping trip.
โ Sober
Dear Sober: Absolutely. Thank you.
