Dear Amy: I am entering my 14th year as a military spouse. Four years ago, I created a “home base” in my hometown area because I could no longer handle military life. This happened after several intense episodes of depression and anxiety, exacerbated by the death of one of my best military spouse friends. She was a fine woman with a secret substance-abuse habit that killed her. There are many other fine military spouses coping in non-constructive manners.
I love my husband, but he does not care to leave the military due to job security, regardless of the impact on our family.
I am worn thin coaching their sports teams and homeschooling them and being lonely. He is lonely, too. I want to move on, but feel like I’ve failed.
I stopped talking about this years ago after my mother told me, “You knew what you signed up for.” I didn’t, but maybe I was stupid.
I’m trying to stick it out, but I feel paralyzed. Any thoughts?
— Stuck
Dear Stuck: Let’s start with this: We all thought we knew what we signed up for, but life unfolds in unforeseen ways, and we all respond to challenges differently.
Because of your position as a military spouse, I assume you’ve been raising your children without much help from your husband for most, if not all, of their lives.
Yes. It is exhausting, depleting and lonely. This is the reality of being a single parent. When you were surrounded by other military families, you likely all banded together, commiserated in each other’s kitchens, and formed de-facto families together while your spouses were working or away. You did what you could to cope with your various challenges.
And now you need to find ways to take care of yourself. Yes, you must talk about it. Owning your challenges and admitting to yourself, and others, how hard this is on you will open you up. There are many online forums and resources dedicated to military spouses, and you should look locally for in-person professional counseling.
Choose your audience. Your mother sounds extremely unsympathetic (or you interpret her comments that way). Other single parents will understand, but the way your life is set up, it is challenging for you to meet other adults in the hopes of finding friendship.
You don’t say why you are homeschooling your children, but you should consider a different form of schooling for them. If they were enrolled in the local school, you could perhaps pursue your own schooling, or work outside the home. Both would enrich your own life and enlarge your circle. When you feel better, you’ll be able to make rational choices regarding your big-picture issues, and not feel like a failure.
Dear Amy: I just received a survey asking if I wanted to attend my 40th high school reunion next year.
In the past, I have participated and even organized one of the reunion events, but I find I have no interest in going to this one. Why? I now live in California, but I come from a “red” state.
The reunion will be during an election year and I cannot stomach any talk or glorifying of the current administration.
I have stopped following many of my classmates on Facebook due to the political nature of their posts. I was always more liberal than most of my classmates, but some of their posts are extreme. One recently posted on the death of a well-known television reporter: “Yeah, another liberal is dead!” Another classmate called to catch up a few months ago. When he started to talk politics, I asked him to change the subject. He did briefly and then switched back to politics, so I made a quick excuse and hung up on him.
I have not heard from him since.
I guess I am not asking for advice, but just venting about how politics has divided us. Is this a phenomenon seen throughout the country?
— No Reunion For Me
Dear No Reunion: Yes, I do believe this is happening around the country, and as long as people refuse to mingle with or talk to those who disagree with them, it will continue.
