Dear Amy: I like to reach out to former co-workers, former bosses, and former acquaintances from time to time to keep in touch so as not to lose a possible connection.
Sometimes the conversation is lovely, and it’s nice to hear about a person’s life once or twice a year. I am genuinely happy when I get to hear about other people’s successes. However, about a third of the time, I never hear back.
It’s hard to know why some people don’t respond. I’ve been told in the past that I can rub people the wrong way, and I have reached out to a few people expressly to apologize for professional disagreements we had previously. I let go of past personal and professional problems very quickly because life is too short to hold grudges.
Amy, I don’t understand the satisfaction somebody gets over ignoring these quick “How’re you doing” messages.
If someone is angry or thinks I’m a terrible person, why can’t they just tell me?
It would take five seconds to say, “I don’t think we really got along, and I wasn’t very fond of you as a co-worker.” I would just respond, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and then remove that person permanently from my Rolodex. Piece of cake! Instead, I imagine they just delete my email or text without reading it just because my name is attached.
Do you have any suggestions? Should I be more persistent until I get some sort of a response?
— Dis-Connecting
Dear Dis-Connecting: You are making a choice to contact people, unsolicited. This does not obligate them to answer in any particular way.
Your insistence that people are obligated to respond honestly, even if they think you are a terrible person, is putting the burden on someone whose only crime is to be in your Rolodex. Maybe they don’t think you are a terrible person, but they just don’t feel like corresponding with you. Maybe they do think you are a terrible person, but they are too polite (or intimidated) to say so.
You should not take this silence personally; you should accept it for what it is: a social cue.
Please, do NOT respond to silence with more persistence. In social interactions, most often you should try to mirror the behavior of the other person. If you know you have the correct contact information and reach out a couple of times and don’t get a response, then yes, you should remove the person from your contact list.
Dear Amy: I’m a recent college grad. I just received a very good job offer. This offer has been causing me immense stress, anxiety and misery. It’s certainly not what I ever dreamed of doing, and I don’t feel like I fit into the company or the industry.
I feel horrible because I know this should bring me joy. I’m constantly getting told that this is an amazing opportunity and that I should be happy. When I express my hesitation, family members tell me it will be great. I’m not sure I believe that.
I want to turn this offer down, but I need the money. I really appreciate everything my parents have done for me, and I really want to help them out, but I can’t shake my dread when I think about spending even one day in this position.
Your insight?
— Anxious Post-Grad
Dear Anxious: If this is the wrong industry for you, then resist the pressure from your folks and actively pursue other work. But I suspect that the idea of everyday work itself might be also overwhelming for you.
Psst: I have a secret. Everything new is scary for me. Sometimes I get so nervous, I write out a script for myself and rehearse in the mirror.
Here’s what I tell myself: “I’m going to try this thing. If I don’t like it or it doesn’t work out, I’ll stop doing it!”
Understand your anxiety, and lean in. Maybe you should tell yourself you’ll try this new thing for three months. Understand that it is easier to find a new job when you’re already working.
You’re going to be OK.
Dear Amy: Thank you for your response to “Broke in Arkansas,” who had loaned a relative $3,000, with no paperwork to prove it.
No one should loan money they can’t afford to lose, especially to family members.
— Been There
Dear Been There: This family could afford to lose $3,000, but they still wanted to be repaid, and I don’t blame them.
