Dear Amy: I feel my situation is more common than most folks are aware of. Let me explain: Iβm a 48-year-old woman. I was widowed six years ago.
I have no family left (our children are now adults), and I am lucky to be extremely close to my in-laws.
Hereβs the problem: About two years ago, my in-laws and extended in-laws decided that I was βtoo young to be alone.β Amy, they have started showing up with random βthirstyβ men from work, church, the grocery store, you name it!
Iβm at peace being by myself. I donβt need money. I love to work in my garden and play with my two cats, while waiting for grandbabies.
I simply donβt want the stress/drama of another relationship.
The holidays are coming, and I have a feeling I will be presented with a string of unwanted random men, either wanting a hook-up, or a traditional (per their faith) subservient wife.
How do I tell everyone to leave me alone, without destroying the deep bond I share with these family members?
β Confused
Dear Confused: If you donβt want to be surprised by a poorly curated selection of randos this holiday season, you should contact all of your in-laws and say, βI love you and appreciate your efforts to see me with another partner, but Iβm happy now, and I intend to stay single. Please donβt introduce me to anymore men. Itβs awkward for me, and itβs not fair to them, because Iβm just not interested.β
I canβt resist the temptation to add that, like you, I was once a very happy and solitary 48-year-old woman, definitely not looking for a relationship, when I met the love of my life (NOT through a family introduction, I might add). My life changed radically from that day on, and while I love my crowded life, I often look back on those alone-years wistfully.
My point is this: Keep being you. Continue to advocate for your right to live the life you want to live, but I hope you will also remain open to the possibilities.
Dear Amy: I have a friendship of more than 40 years with a delightful woman. We see each other about once a month, often at dinner in a restaurant with mutual friends. About six months ago, βSandraβ announced to us that she had just discovered that she is allergic/intolerant to gluten. This has become a focus of her life and often dominates the conversation.
Since that time, every trip to a restaurant includes a very (VERY) long discussion with our waitperson and/or chef regarding each item on the menu and whether it fits into her gluten-free diet. Then the bread basket comes, and Sandra dives in because βitβs just too good to pass up.β
Several of us, outside of Sandraβs presence, have commented that not only is the gluten conversation tiresome, but also embarrassing when held in a busy restaurant. Additionally, most people are aware that those who are truly gluten intolerant become very ill when they eat bread and avoid doing so at all cost. Weβd love to talk this out with Sandra, but are afraid sheβll become defensive and angry, although this is not her usual reaction to thoughtful criticism. Any advice?
β Like Oprah, I Love Bread
Dear Love Bread: You say that βSandraβ usually reacts well to thoughtful criticism. So, offer some thoughtful feedback.
Say to her, βSandra, I hope your health has stabilized since being on this new diet, but do you realize how single-minded you have become? When we get together, we all spend about half of our time talking about gluten. It would be great to catch up about other things, too.β I wouldnβt call her out on her bread noshing. This is an almost too obvious violation of her gluten-free diet.
Your group might get out of this rut by planning an outing that doesnβt revolve around restaurant dining. A hike, a bike ride or a session painting pottery might set you on a new track.
Dear Amy: βNew Momβ complained about how her brother was upset that she hadnβt written a thank-you note for his gift to their newborn baby. I was surprised that you didnβt suggest that she write a thank-you note!
β Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: βNew Momβ described a complex situation. She also said that she had thanked her brother profusely while their newborn was in the ICU. I saw a brother emotionally blackmailing and trying to control his sister.
