Long-absent dad now wants to meet son, but what's best for 4-year-old boy?

“I have a 4-year-old son whose biological father has wanted nothing to do with him. The bio-father tried to talk me into terminating the pregnancy. In the course of settling custody he waived his rights to his son in the event of my death and has been in arrears with child support as much as eight months at a time. He even hid the fact of my son from his parents until recently. He now wants to “open a dialogue” and see his son. We now live on opposite sides of the country. I have no problem talking about him to my son as a friend of mine but feel very strongly about not dropping the word “dad” on a 4-year-old who to date knows he doesn’t have one. Can I allow the father to visit his son at some point but request the label “dad” be saved until my son is older and wants to be in his life long term?”

Heins’ answer:

The biological father has shown no interest in his son except for paying support sporadically. Why an interest now? Maybe he is bored, maybe he is curious about his son, maybe he is truly repentant. You correctly see the need to protect your son from being hurt or abandoned a second time and ensure that there is enough money to support and educate him.

You need legal advice on custody, as well as child support and visitation after a father’s long absence. From my point of view as a pediatrician and parenting educator I can tell you I know two things to be true.

1) Children need both parents in their lives unless one parent could be dangerous to the child’s physical or emotional well-being.

2) In order for visitation to work both “sides” must agree on the importance of never putting a child in the middle. No bad-mouthing.

I always look for a solution that is in the best interest of the child. Children need time with a father. This father is a mere provider of sperm who has never wanted to see the child in four years. On the other hand people have the capacity to change.

You seem willing to let the biological father meet your son but because of your son’s age, the distance that will make frequent visits unlikely, and the man’s history you do not want to use the word “Dad.” I understand where you are coming from (his track record is such that he is unlikely to be even a long-distance father for long) but let me suggest another course to take.

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By now your son surely has asked why other kids have a dad. Hopefully he has been told the truth (his mom and dad are not together, have not been together since before he was born, and the father lives far away). I would start a dialogue even though the boy is only 4. Tell him this truth again. After telling him let it sink in, and answer any questions that come up. If your son asks why, tell him honestly that his biological father did not want to stay with them. Try to avoid saying anything more negative than that.

Then ask him if he wants to meet his father. Now or later when he is older? Pretty heavy trip for a little tyke but if you ask casually and then both listen and watch your son’s body language I bet you can pull it off.

But if the man has had a miraculous late growth spurt and became a real grownup, your son could benefit from contact with another loving adult.

If not, you have taken the high road by being honest without saying bad or untruthful things about his biological father. What is important is that your son have at least one parent that loves him and that he can trust.

If your son agrees to meet this man, ideally you and the father would meet beforehand. You would talk quietly, civilly, and without rancor about what is in the best interests of the child. You would decide together what to tell the child about the father. Each of you would vow to never bad-mouth the other. Both parents would be committed to loving and protecting their child more than they are to getting even with the other parent. Is this too much to hope for? I hope not!

You did not ask but any visit with a stranger, even a biological father, has to be supervised. And short. Maybe at a park or a family restaurant. You should be the one who supervises the visit but no negative words, fighting, or put-downs either at the visit or when you get back home.

And no overnight visits unless you are sure this man is not on drugs, does not drink to excess, has a valid driver’s license and a job (all indicators of stability).