I recently received two emails from new mothers asking how to deal with “…my control-freak mother-in-law?” and “Why doesn’t my mom listen when I tell her babies should not be put on their stomachs to sleep?”
To all new grandmothers out there I offer my congratulations! Fun and joy await you. Let me teach you from my own experience as a former new mother, a grandmother, and a pediatrician. Here is the syllabus for “Grandparenting 101.”
Introduction to Course: Parenting advice changes like hemlines. Arbitrary fashion? No. Science, based on carefully designed studies, propels our knowledge forward and guides us down safer pathways. Parents were once told to place babies on their stomachs until studies showed that this position put babies at risk for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. So today parents are told to place babies on their back. The crib mattress (and any surface baby is put on) should be firm, the crib free of pillows and soft things like quilts or toys, and no more crib bumpers.
Parenting also has changed. Today’s mothers are more educated, wait longer to have their first baby, and a higher percentage of mothers are in the workforce. This is why paid maternal (and paternal) leave is so important.
This is also why the dynamics of the relationship between a new mother and the two new grandmothers has changed. New Mom is up-to-date on the care and safety of the newborn but has had no practical experience with her own baby. New Grandma has practical experience but may not be up-to-date. It’s been a long time since she took a child to a pediatrician.
I had just finished a pediatric residency when my first baby was born so I can attest to the fact that there is a world of difference between a baby patient and a baby of one’s own. My husband laughed when he saw me reading Dr. Spock. “You don’t need that, you could write your own book!” But I was frightened that all my knowledge might not be enough to protect this precious bundle. From that moment on I treated every baby or child I saw as a precious bundle.
Lesson 1: The Importance of Grandparents. When your grandchild is born you assume new roles. You are now (or will become) a living ancestor, historian of the family and earlier times, teacher, mentor, helper, student of today’s parenting, nurturer of baby and new mother, storyteller, crony, pal, playmate, wizard, hero, and role model on aging.
Lesson 2: What Grandparents Provide for their Grandchildren. Unconditional love, stability, the important sense of family as well as identity and culture, knowledge both cognitive and practical, exposure to older people, exposure to your personal interests and skills, cushioning from hard knocks, courage, reinforcement of moral values, emotional and other support for the busy parents of their grandchildren.
Lesson 3: What Grandchildren Provide for Grandparents: Fun! A grandchild is a great way to keep young and healthy. He or she provides an antidote to isolation and boredom, a sense of the future, connections to the world of the young, a way to stay current, a lesson in playfulness, a special and precious kind of love. A grandchild can be a wonderful pal. And in about 12 years will be the perfect person to ask for help when your new digital gadget is misbehaving.
Lesson 4: Now come the two big bad “I” words: Interference and Indulgence. Interference can be problematic because the best thing a grandmother can do for the mother of her new grandchild is trust New Mom to do a good job and increase confidence in her parenting skills.
Because your words are so important to a new mother choose them carefully. Avoid criticism, praise lavishly, stay calm, be careful about your body language, and never check for dust on the bookshelves.
Before saying something that could be construed as criticism ask yourself 1) Will this help the mother of my grandbaby? 2) How would I have felt if my mother or mother-in-law said this to me?
However if you think something could be helpful and should be said, say it right. “I notice you wash the kitchen floor every time you feed Liam in the high chair. I used to spread newspapers around the high chair and just rolled them up when the meal and throwing food was over.” A wise woman I know told her daughter-in-law who was from another country, “Show me how you will care for your baby so I can help you the right way.”
Humor helps. One grandmother of my acquaintance told her daughter-in-law, “I’m probably going to tell you what to do every minute but you don’t have to listen!” Another wrote she was a 4-H grandma: Heart, Hugs, Help, and Hush up!”
Don’t hush up helpful words said in a helpful way. Say things like, “I know how you feel after a sleepless night. May I take over after the next feeding so you can take a nap?” Let compliments flow. Mention Baby’s adorable dimple many times. Praise New Mother’s loving care of the baby and her choice of nursery colors.
Be as helpful as you can but respect New Mom’s privacy and her need for self-time, time alone to bond with the baby, and time with the baby’s father. Above all enjoy your relationship with her. Relish in the camaraderie that develops when two women bond over a baby. Love oozes!
Finally, a word about indulgence. You will indulge your grandchildren, we all do. But moderation in all things. Many, if not most, of American children suffer from Toy Overload. This disease causes the child to race from toy to toy not knowing where to start. It also leads to the “Gimme’s” another disease that makes spoiled kids want even more toys. Toy Overload also has serious consequences for grandparental wallets.
