Coping with Alzheimer's: Why 'do whatever you wish' breaks my heart

Alzheimer’s patients suffer the gradual loss of the ability to make a decision of any kind. I’m not sure why this is the case.

Perhaps it relates to the loss of the ability to recall things, as the past actions can bear upon the future. But beyond that it seems there is a failure to grasp what will happen as a result of the decision. It seems that my wife, Joan, has not only lost the past but also the future.

Now I have to imagine how nice it would be to get Joan’s input. Should we move to a smaller place? How much longer should we keep the car? What do you want to wear for church? Should we have fish or spaghetti and meatballs for dinner?

An important aspect of the marriage partnership is sharing responsibility for decisions. Communication is basic to the relationship. The lengthy conversations about what we should do about something helps keep the partnership alive and vital. When decisions have been much-discussed and made together, the results are easy to accept, no matter how they turn out.

No longer.

It was early in the onset of the disease in 2005 before we recognized what was going on. Joan began to avoid joining in the decision process. Her response became “You decide. I’ll go along with it.”

That was very irritating. It took some time before I realized what was happening. She was unable to make the sharing contribution I sought.

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It is a huge burden I have to shoulder. The organization that was a family now becomes a dictatorship. Dictator me has to make all decisions.

Sometimes I can find someone to at least listen and perhaps offer suggestions. Even so, it’s not the same as having my partner.

In our 60 years of married life we have developed patterns of behavior that are comfortable to us both. With history as my guide, I am able to make many decisions I am certain we both want.

But new ones are difficult. Decisions relating to her care, health matters and all daily activities fall entirely to me.

Should we go on a trip? Fly or drive? What should we do for our anniversary? I don’t like being the know-it-all dictator, but I have no choice.

I suppose there’s some comfort in knowing that what she wants me to do is “whatever you wish.” As she seems to have resolved the matter, I can do no wrong!

It would be wonderful to have just a little input from her once again, though. I so miss it.