As the election results fell on the pundits like ACME anvils, a fierce dry wind was blowing up a storm here in Tucson. Something was in the air. I stepped outside and saw it was the résumés of soon-to-be unemployed pollsters. I took my own poll and found that 109.45 percent of pollsters are blind as cavefish on the dark side of the moon. A whopping 12 out of 10 Americans agreed. Fact check it.
Under-employed rustbelt Americans who didn’t adapt to globalization chose protectionism, crowning Trump King. In the Kremlin, Putin cheered. I scowled while I frantically packed our belongings into an oxcart and buried my copy of “It Takes a Village” in the yard.
I wish President-elect Trump the best.
In fact, I will give President Trump the same benefit of the doubt and unconditional support that Sen. Mitch McConnell and every Republican in Congress gave to President Obama when he was elected. Our leaders are our role models, right?
A satirist in a target-rich forest, I couldn’t be happier.
My president-elect is a Republican. My congress is Republican. My governor is Republican. My state Legislature is Republican. My progressive son is vastly outnumbered by Republican kids at his high school. Three of our goldfish just turned Republican. Yesterday I found Republican pods under our beds.
I admit my initial reaction was petulant. Along with a snide observation I posted an old Melania pic that embodied the crass vulgarity of the race. Our future First Lady was posing naked as a jaybird, but for pasties shaped like stars.
My favorite response? Melania is so much classier than Michelle could ever be. At least Melania is not an America hater.
You read it here. Michelle hates America. No big deal. The morning after the election half of America hated America. They were over it by Thursday and back to hating their cable providers.
Me? I’ll miss Barack Obama, my generation’s FDR and BFF. I thank God that Franklin Delano Hussein Roosevelt was in the White House for the past eight years, standing cool against a Congress gone mad.
Come January the entire government will be owned by folks who will unravel it all. They’ll peddle the illusion of reform while clinging to gerrymandering and dark money. They’ll whistle past the global warming graveyard as climate change accelerates. Good news! Trump just selected a pro-coal climate change denier to head the Environmental Protection Agency. Trump isn’t draining the swamp. He’s infesting it with his own crocodiles.
I posted a fake news item suggesting liberals were making a run on gun stores and forming left-wing militias. “Just good American survivalists having fun on the weekends, preparing to defend the Constitution from tyranny.”
What a ridiculous claim. Boomer liberals are too old to camp.
A reader posted back: I would be more than happy to see the left buy guns and try to use them. We need to clean the scourge of Liberalism from our country.
I enjoyed the gloating emails.
Trump told us he learns about the world by watching television. I hope his chief of staff takes possession of the remote control or Dora the Explorer will be his foreign policy advisor. Which when you think about it isn’t such a bad idea. Never mind. Keep the remote.
Trump has said there’ll be plenty of jobs. Jobs for Newt Gingrich, Chris Christie and Rudy Giuliani. And Alec Baldwin, who has secure employment for life.
Radical right-winger Mike Pence will be Trump’s Dick Cheney, the de facto president. Washington will dismantle social nets, defund Planned Parenthood, reverse gay marriage, criminalize abortion, run up huge deficits, trigger a trade war, stumble into a recession and repeal Obamacare.
And 30 million of the “Forgotten Americans” that Trump loves will lose their health insurance. Losers. I hope his voters don’t win so much they get sick of winning, because that would be a victory-related pre-existing condition that’s not covered.
Good luck, President-elect Trump.
And God save America.
