James Madison set down his quill and read his words aloud to himself. βA well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear modern 17th century muzzle-loaded, flint-fired, single-shot muskets shall not be infringed.β
The tavern waiter set down Madisonβs ale and said, βThatβs way too specific.β
βWhat?β
βWeapons may change. Someday you might not need a flint to fire your 17th century muzzle-loaded single-shot musket. Iβd go with βarmsβ. A well-regulated militia ... blah, blah, blah ... the right of the people to keep and bear ... arms ... shall not be infringed. See? Isnβt that better?β
Madison wasnβt buying it.
β βArmsβ is a bit vague.β
The waiter sat down next to him. βWhat about cannons?β
βCannons?β
βYes, sir. Cannons! The people should have unlimited access to cannons.β
βDid you escape from the lunatic asylum in Williamsburg?β
βWhy should the right of the people to bear cannons be infringed? Sounds very American to me.β The waiter took Madisonβs quill. βWrite it like this: βA well-regulated militia ... blah, blah, blah ... the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, and that includes cannons. C-a-n-n-o-n-s.β β
βAre you mad? The cannons are staying in the armory. They are weapons of war, sir. It would be madness to permit civilians to possess weapons of war. And especially cannons.β
βEvery kind? All of them?β
βAll of them.β
βThe heavy siege guns?β
βMost definitely.β
βThe 3-pound Gallopers?β
βPreferably.β
βThe 6-pound field pieces?β
βMost assuredly, sir.β
βGrapeshot?β
βYes! Theyβre only good for one thing: Blowing a hole through a British warship. Or the legs off grenadiers. Load one with grapeshot and you have a weapon good for only one horrific thing: killing scores of citizens. We must ensure domestic tranquility, my good sir. Cannons in the hands of the people? A most unpleasant prospect. Bring me my bill of fare, please.β
βDoesnβt our Declaration declare that I have the right to rebel against our government if I believe it is unjust?β
βWell, yes ...β
βThen Iβll definitely need a cannon, wonβt I? You, sir, have all the cannons. I canβt very well overthrow you if all I have is my musket.β
βBut, my good man, itβs a modern 17th century muzzle-loaded single-shot musket!
βMe versus your cannons? That wouldnβt be a fair fight, now would it?β
Everyone in the tavern nodded.
The waiter poured Madison another ale. βIf I want to assassinate you and overthrow the government Iβll need cannons. As many as I can have. Myself, Iβd prefer a sleek 16-pounder, like the beauties I saw at Bunker Hill!β
Madison stood and put on his tricorn.
βNot going to happen. Bring me my check. Iβm done. Ben Franklin just texted me. Gotta go.β
Everyone in the tavern had been listening to the waiter rant.
βIβd like a nice artillery field piece on wheels so I could roll it into the woods and use it for hunting and drag it with me everywhere for personal defense. Isnβt that what we fought for at Lexington and Concord?
βMy right to a cannon shall not be infringed, good sir. Do not tread on me!β
Everyone in the tavern cheered.
Madison was terse. βSorry. Muskets will have to do. No cannons. No mortars. No 3-pound Gallopers.β
The waiter addressed the tavern. βWell, isnβt this cannon-hating Virginian a dandy? I suppose youβll want to take away my old bayonet next! Well, your majesty, youβll get my bayonet when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!β
Everyone in the tavern cheered. The waiter shouted, βWhen artillery field pieces are outlawed only outlaws will have artillery field pieces!β
βThis is madness. I am out of here.β Madison packed up his laptop and strode out of the Kingβs Tavern.
Months later Madison, still uncertain about the language for the Second Amendment, recalled this incident to his friend Gen. George Washington one afternoon in Philadelphia after an Eagles game. The great general laughed and asked Madison what he had so far. Madison said, βThis is what Iβve got: βA well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear muzzle-loaded flint-fired single-shot arms shall not be infringed.β I think it says it all, donβt you, General?β
Washington disapproved. βSuppose a gunsmith invents a double-barreled muzzle-loaded flint-fired double-shot musket? Keep this thing vague, Mr. Madison. Just go with βarmsβ and give the people credit for common sense. Cannons. Good Lord, Mr. Madison, that is beyond the pale. We are not a nation of fools.β