Television loves Donald Trump. When Americans elected the star of a reality show to the presidency in 2016 it was inevitable that his presence on the airwaves would only grow.
Morning
5-5:15: PRAYER. Trump recites 2 Corinthians. Asks God to forgive critics. Tweets insult to Pope.
5:15-6: NATIONAL ANTHEM. Sung by Honey Boo Boo.
6-6:30: DIARY OF A WIMPY LOSER. President Trump’s foray into inspirational programming for children. Not suitable for children.
6:30-7: TRUMP PRESENTS SESAME STREET. Cookie Monster discusses the economy with Trump’s secretary of the Treasury, Bachelorette No. 3. Trump overturns Bert’s marriage to Ernie, fires Big Bird, asks to see Oscar the Grouch’s birth certificate. Today’s program brought to you by the letter “T.”
7-7:30: WHO’S THE JUDGE? President Trump nominates Judge Judy to Supreme Court. Rages when he learns Judge Dredd is merely fictional character.
7:30-8: KEEPING UP WITH THE TRUMPS. First lady Melania discusses White House chandelier selection, botox, shopping for shoes with president.
8-9: PRESIDENT TRUMP, THE REALITY SHOW. (Repeat) Inauguration Day. Casino developer takes charge, wings speech, alienates Western nations, women and minorities. Interrupts speech to excoriate “moron who predicted this overcoat would be warm enough.” NC-17 Rated version available.
9-9:30: MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, ONE KILLER DEAL AT A TIME. President Trump attempts to make Mexico pay for $15 billion border wall, ends up with three bongos, bottle of tequila, Zapotec rug. Starts trade war with China during global economic recession. Wrestles killer whale.
9:30-10: REAL AMERICANS. (Roundtable) President and cast of “Duck Dynasty” discuss role Hispanics, blacks, Muslims play in American society. Moderated by David Duke.
10-10:30: DEAL OR NO DEAL. (Repeat) President makes Congress another offer “they can’t refuse.” They refuse. Season Two sneak peak: They refuse.
Afternoon
1-3:30: MOVIE TIME. Trump shows personal cinematic favorites from his vast film library. This week’s lineup: “Birth of a Nation,” “Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarves,” ”Rambo 2,” “Triumph of the Will.”
3:30-4:30: LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS UNIT. Detective Trump investigates “Political Correctness Nazi” who thinks you shouldn’t be free to use words like “skank or bimbo” to describe Barbara Bush. Jeb Bush cries.
4:30-5: MAN OF THE HOUSE. A commander-in-chief with brain of 11-year old tries to sabotage America’s relationship with every nation in Western world. Vladimir Putin guests as “Lovable Uncle Vlad.”
5-5:30: NOTICIERO TRUMPIVISION. Daily news program for Latinos, anchored by White House communications director Ann Coulter. Tonight’s story: What a good brown person does when asked for identification.
5:30-6: EVENING NEWS WITHOUT MEGYN KELLY. Melania Trump reads the news. Tonight’s story: Chandeliers for the chinchilla exhibit at the Washington Zoo.
Evening
6-6:30: EVICTED. Manhattan landlord evicts tenants with hilarious consequences for poor, elderly residents. Starring Trump as “The Man.”
6:30-7: PRESIDENT’S APPRENTICE. Vice President Gary Busey learns from CEO-in-chief how to run country without a safety helmet.
7-8: ALL-STAR TRIBUTE TO DONALD TRUMP. The president’s life is celebrated by Ted Nugent, Dennis Rodman, Sarah Palin, Wayne Newton and Mike Tyson. Subtitled.
8-8:30: ESPN WATER BOARDING WITH DONALD. President visits Muslim refugee camp with Attorney General Joe Arpaio, improvises with garden hose and Red Cross stretcher. Antics ensue.
8:30-9: AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS OF TRUMP PROTESTERS GETTING THE CRAP BEAT OUT OF THEM. (Repeat) Trump supporters raise spirits by attacking black Black Lives Matter protester.
9-10: SCARED STRAIGHT. Critics of president visit Oval Office in season premiere. With help of Jersey wise guys with brass knuckles, Trump reveals “realities of life” to detractors, in hopes of deterring them from life of thinking.
10:30-11: THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTIC CITY. Trump’s ex-wives dish dirt.
Midnight
12-12:30: WHERE’S YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE? Birth certificates, roots of prominent Trump critics are explored along with their relationship to UFOs, 9/11, ISIS and Trilateral Commission. Ted Cruz, Art Bell, Glenn Beck guest star.
12:30-1: SARAH! Talk show. Stupid moose tricks, baton twirling with former governor of Alaska. No guests scheduled.
1-6: BORDER WALL CAM. Track the progress of the construction of the best, biggest wall ever.
