The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
On President Trumpβs last day in office, feeling sad, he orders a massive strike, peppering the planet with nuclear warheads. In the aftermath of the global conflagration, fallout and firestorms carpet the rubble of civilization. Nuclear winter shrouds the planet.
From his bunker Sean Hannity addresses his seven surviving viewers. βIβd like to know who started this. Anti-fa? Soros? Ocasio Cortez? Pelosi?β
Rush Limbaugh, clenching a radioactive cigar between his two remaining blackened teeth, shouts into his charred microphone, βItβs a frame up! The Never-Trumpers will do anything to stop Donald Trump from making America great!β
Laura Ingraham, dazed and wandering, says to a shattered mirror shard, βSure. Blame Trump. Rush to judgment. Fake news! Do we even have nuclear weapons? Has anyone considered the Gas Company as a possible culprit?β
Tucker Carlson, suffering from burns over 90% of his bowtie, and retching from radiation poisoning, picks up a glowing human skull, arches whatβs left of an eyebrow and intones, βWe may never know the truth here. I think sunblock manufacturers are behind whatever this odd weather is. Where was Hunter Biden when this went down?And Hillary?β
Three surviving members of the Trump administration, with multiple mushroom clouds as their backdrop, post a video of themselves resigning in protest. βEnough is enough.β
Rudy Giuliani, caught at Mar-a-Lago with his pants blown down by a 5-megaton blast, says to a burnt alligator carcass, βAt first I thought it was another βBoratβ trap and then I saw the mushroom cloud,β adding, βIβm going to walk to Ukraine, and, if it still exists, Iβm going to launch an investigation into Hunter Bidenβs link to this disaster. In the meantime Iβm tracking down rumors that pics of Hillary exist, riding a hydrogen bomb down, like Slim Pickens, allegedly shouting,β I hate you, Donald.β How sick and deranged is that? Could you hand me my left arm, please?β
The next day surviving members of Congress speak out.
From inside their cave by the Potomac the House Freedom Caucus βissues a statementβ on their cave wall. β@ last! We are free frum regul8tions! And the Godliss Department of Education! Thank you, President Trump!β
Miles away, his mutton chops fried, Ted Cruz is trapped under debris at the bottom of a mile-wide crater. As night falls he lectures feral dogs eating human remains at the edge of the crater. βYou realize the people who want to destroy your Bill of Rights and take away your guns are thrilled by this!β
In Texas, Congressman Louis Gohmert, buried under thousands of tons of irradiated soil texts, βDonβt believe the lying media. Itβs all CGI, like the moon landing.β
In what was Arizona, Kelli Ward, the head of Arizonaβs Republican Party, tells a rabid five-legged javelina, βRadioactivity is good for you! While I have your attention we desperately need to raise funds to stop the liberals from destroying whatβs left of the planet. Now. Before itβs too late.β
Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey announces through a spokesperson he is still waiting in his Scottsdale bunker to receive instruction from any surviving members of the Koch family. βIn the meantime gyms are wide open! And for those with hair, beauty salons are open, too.β
Arizona state Rep. Mark Finchem, who lost his famed walrus mustache in the firestorm that resulted from Pima County being struck with multiple nuclear warheads, blames βa cabal of left-wing pedophiles, cannibals, and Islamic terrorists for the unusually bad weather,β and as the second wave hits he adds, βGod bless, Donald Trump.β
Outside a bunker in Cave Creek, a man resembling Sean Spicer tells people waiting in line for fresh water and body bags that βonly 8,000 are dead! Not 7.56 billion,β and to βGet a grip!β
Mutants attack Ivanka when she announces a new line of lead-lined lingerie, adding she hopes to grow her hair back βto cheer people up!β Days later Trump is found miles beneath the White House rubble. His first words to the rescue team are βI won,β adding, βI must be immune to radiation.β
President Biden corrects him.
A month later, in the rubble of the Republican National Headquarters, human remains are found, but, to the surprise of no forensic experts, not one single vertebrae.