The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
Being it’s the magical weekend of “Tucson Meet Yourself” I was moved to wonder if Sen. Kyrsten Sinema ever met herself, hiding from constituents, locked in yet another bathroom, standing in front of another mirror, biding her time, centering her chakras.
“Breathe. … Be the Buddha, Kyrsten. … Breathe. … Tune out the negativity of your constituents. … Tune them out. …Breathe.” As Sen. Sinema chanted to herself she caressed her lode star, her beloved ”F— off” ring, releasing the sorcery contained within the ring’s ancient alchemy with a sudden blinding flash of light.
Blinking, Arizona’s senator could not believe her eyes, for there in the bathroom mirror stood a much younger Kyrsten Sinema — Kyrsten the Green Party activist, Kyrsten the committed social worker, Kyrsten the young idealist in her tutu wearing “Nader for President” and “Bread not Bombs” buttons.
“K-K-Kyrsten?”
Her reflection spoke. “Senator! You look like a trillion dollars! We need to talk. Now.”
With protestors pounding on the door, Sen. Sinema was trapped with her former self.
“Remember me, senator? I was a social worker. I once dreamt of changing lives for the better. Today you work to make your donor’s lives better. Remember what I once called campaign donations? Bribery. BRIBERY! What happened to you?”
“I grew up. I served in the Arizona Legislature.”
“That will traumatize any rational human being.”
“I was a miserable progressive, accomplishing nothing in Phoenix. It was then I decided to work with wing nuts, after I went home and took stock.”
“Ah-ha! The Stockholm syndrome! You surrendered to your captors, senator.”
“You are so naive! That’s not what happened. I got into the Zen of appeasing, … I mean collaborating with Republicans. I burned incense and drummed in drum circles with my unhinged colleagues. Next thing I know I’m voting with Trump more than I ever thought possible. It was liberating.”
Young Kyrsten gagged.
The senator flashed her “F— off” ring in her face.
Young Kyrsten gagged again. “When did you become so naive, senator? Or are you just a cynical empty vessel, raking in donations? No Republican will ever vote for — or with — a Democrat. Not these days. So now you’re singing ‘Kumbaya’ and whittling away at proposed investments in clean energy, affordable child care and seniors that will improve the lives of millions?”
“Speaking of millions, I’m late for a fundraiser. Ta-ta. Nice tutu.”
“Not so fast, senator. Remember when I led protests against Joe Lieberman two decades ago? When he came to Arizona to campaign for the Democratic presidential candidate, John Kerry? What did I say?”
“Words.”
“Words? I said, ‘Kerry thinks Republicans will vote for him! What kind of strategy is that?’ It wasn’t going to happen. Back then you knew compromise was futile.”
“I’m wiser. Today I am an enlightened being who believes bipartisanship is possible.”
“With who? People who believe Biden stole the election, Jan. 6 was a ruse by red flag actors, Putin’s our best friend, a horse dewormer cures COVID-19, Fox is the voice of God and a pillow salesman is this century’s Nostradamus?”
“A horse dewormer cures COVID?”
“Senator Sinema! What exactly, precisely, definitively do you want to cut from the Biden bill? What do you want?”
“Three things. Attention. Attention. And more attention.”
“Ugh! What’s that awful perfume you’re wearing? ‘Narcissist’ by ‘Ego’?”
The senator brandished her “F— off” ring in Young Kyrsten’s face.
“Answer your 7 million constituents! What do you want, senator?”
The senator sarcastically touched her forefinger to her chin and furrowed her brow. “Hmm. To see Ted Cruz holding hands with Bernie Sanders on a rainbow. To see Mitch McConnell’s impish smile. To see Speaker Pelosi share a unicorn ride to compromise castle with Minority Leader McCarthy. And to prove my independence.”
“Prove your independence? From who? Your constituents? Are you proving your independence by accepting Big Pharma’s ‘bribes’ to oppose lowering drug prices? Are you proving your independence by accepting ‘bribes’ from corporate and hedge fund special interests to protect the super rich from paying their fair share in taxes?”
“What can I say? I’m a maverick. Arizona loves mavericks. That’s why I put a mechanical bull in my Senate office.”
“What?”
“To practice bucking my party.” The senator giggled at her own wit.
“Careful, Lady Gaga — gaga over money and power — you could get thrown.”
An aide knocked on the bathroom door. “It’s safe, senator. Your constituents are gone.”
Relieved, Arizona Sen. Kyrsten Sinema flashed her “F- off” ring in the face growing dimmer in the mirror, curtsied and turned to walk out.
As Young Kyrsten faded into the vaporous past she bitterly whispered, “As for the millions of lives you could improve, your ring says it all. ”
