Way back in 2008, when the first Tucson Festival of Books took place, Bob Walkup was our mayor, Katie Perry “Kissed a Girl” and Geronimo had just published his memoirs, hoping to bump Josephine Earp’s romance novel about a conquistador’s forbidden love with a Tohono O’odham princess off the “Tortolita Times” best-seller list.
What do you get a book festival for its 10th anniversary? Kettle corn? A gold bookmark? A lifetime supply of sunscreen? According to etiquette mavens, the gift should be made of tin. A tin full of ginger snaps to snack on, while sitting in the shade with a good book, sounds like a perfect way to celebrate our wonderful book festival, an event I like to call “Bookstock for Nerds: Two days of Peace, Love and Paper Products.”
If tin is not to your liking, you could celebrate the 10th anniversary by giving in other ways. Go online and become a Friend of the Festival. Or volunteer. Or simply show up, meet your favorite author and buy his or her book. If you plan on showing up, take my advice. Wear a hydration pack, sunscreen, knee pads, elbow pads and Rollerblades.
Who could’ve imagined Bill and Brenda Viner’s dream, inspired by a trek to Los Angeles’ book festival, would end up attracting 130,000 people? Or, in the words of Sean Spicer, 1 billion readers, skimmers and pulp perusers. From the air, last year’s fest looked like Mecca at the height of the Haj.
I hope in 2028 I’m still a moderator for Jim Borgman’s and Jerry Scott’s and Alan Zweibel’s and Dave Barry’s annual presentations. They’re my authors this weekend. They write a new book every year, just so they can come here for our sunshine.
I’ll be closing out the weekend by hosting my trivia game at 4 p.m. on Sunday in the Star tent. Please note that pitchforks, rotten tomatoes and torches will be prohibited.
In the years ahead, I know for darned sure that we won’t let climate change slow the book festival down. So what if the daytime temps reach Fahrenheit 451?
Hopefully my favorite authors will continue to show up in the decades to come. It’s always a delight to see Luís Alberto Urrea. Luís comes around so often he may as well swing an endowed chair at the UA and teach here. Eventually he’s going to run out of relatives to write about and he’ll need a good day job in a sunny clime where Spanglish rules. He and Noam Chomsky could play Scrabble together.
The crowds won’t slow us down. I expect attendance to double to a quarter of a jillion book nerds, thanks to the rising popularity of books and the rising popularity of dry land, thanks to the rising oceans, which will become quite unpopular.
I’m not worried about crowds. Two words, my friends: jet packs.
Let’s take a look at what the next 10 years hold for the Tucson Festival of Books.
2021: Jet pack incident shuts down festival. The writers’ rock band, “Rockbottom Remainders,” reunites to raise bail for Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel, who are arrested after slingshots are found in their hotel rooms. J.A. Jance writes a best-seller about their vandalism spree.
2022: Stephen King visits to peddle his new horror masterpiece about Arizona seniors who haunt their grandkids who never visit or call: “The Whining.” Malcolm Gladwell appears to plug his best-seller about coyote behavior called “The Yipping Point.” Katy Tur, former president of NBC News and dean of ASU’s Cronkite School of Journalism, returns just to get some fresh air.
2024: Science City develops a nuclear device and declares itself a sovereign state. President Elon Musk is called in to negotiate peace. Joyce Carol Oates promotes her 1 billionth book.
2025: Disgraced former President Trump is furloughed from the Safford Federal Correctional Institution to appear at the Tucson Festival of Books to promote his latest book, “The Art of the Plea Deal.”
2026: University of Arizona President Luís Urrea welcomes Jeff Kinney to Tucson to promote his book “Diary of a Wimpy Senior in Hospice.” Robot authors are banned from the festival.
2027: Stephen Pastis, sponsored by Monsanto, returns to promote his book “Pearls before Genetically Modified Swine.” Self-publishing robots vandalize the Bill and Brenda Viner statue.
2028: The Tucson Festival of Books celebrates its 20th anniversary. Star robot columnist X-CMS1138 writes hilarious column.
I’m excited about this year’s festival for another reason. I’m an author! My book, a collection of my life’s work from my 30-year career at the Arizona Daily Star, goes on sale. I’ll be at the Star tent to sign copies when I’m not moderating. Or snacking on a tin full of ginger snaps while sitting in the shade with a wonderful book.
