Halloween is my favorite holiday because it’s the one I enjoy complaining about the most. I moan so much our hacienda is on the haunted sites register. Why? Because no trick-or-treaters ever appear at our door these days. Not a one.
Thirteen years ago three teenagers costumed as “Three teenagers who went to Goodwill” knocked on our door. We were so excited we gave them all our candy, our three styrofoam tombstones, and the talking door knocker I got at Walgreens for 75 percent off the year before.
To pass the lonely hours each Halloween we watch MSNBC. Rachel Maddow’s bone-chilling catalog of political horrors is perfect for Halloween. Our lamentations can be heard for miles. At midnight we usually throw away the candy because Lord knows we wouldn’t put that toxic assortment of paraffin, glucose spikes and dyes in our bellies. And then we go to sleep and dream of Halloweens past.
Sounds so dreary that this year we may mix it up and go to a costume party. I told the Missus I have plenty of costume ideas that are easy.
Stormy Daniels is an easy costume. Inflate two balloons. Write $HU$H MONEY on the paper bag. You’re done.
Costume: Balloons, lingerie, paper bag, marker
If your partner is going as Stormy then you should go as Michael Avenatti. Cut out a shark fin and sew it to the back of the suit. Tell party guests, “I know Lawrence O’Donnell.”Costume: Shave your head, suit from Salvation Army, shark fin.
Hey! Look! Sean Hannity! Only problem: No one will let you into their party.
Costume: Never mind.
Everyone loves to be “Trump”!
Costume: Put on the red tie, light the tiki torch, cut eyeholes out of the pumpkin, and slide it over your head. At the party demand that the host build a wall between you and any Hispanic guests. Scare the white guests with stories about a terrifying caravan coming to the party. Mock guests with disabilities and sexual assault victims. Call for a ban on appetizers “until we get this cheese and cracker thing figured out.”
My wife frowned. “Everyone will be Donald this year. Be different.”
Okay. Try this idea. It’s great for the whole family. Get the kids to participate: You’re a family of dead migrant border crossers haunting the party. Die slow horrible deaths one by one in the middle of the party. The return to life and shout “Immigration reform saved us!”
My wife said that was the worst idea because any Trumps at the party would beat them with tiki torches.
Forget parties.
Best stay home, eat all the candy ourselves, and enjoy the 1955 horror classic “Tarantula.” And watch the front door. On Halloween, you never know who may knock.
