Universal civility is possible but requires universal cooperation.
A few years ago, while teaching an adult art class, I asked what the class wanted to see developed, and the response was civil discussion. As an experiment, we developed something called “Civil Discourse.” I later found that the concept existed at the UA, so it was not original.
Civil discourse does work, especially if ground rules are established and people agree to follow them. Most of us are taught basic ground rules of decency and values, but we deviate as we grow older. I am guilty.
In the civil discourse experiment, rules were established. Chief among them were “RESPECT,” in capital letters. That encompasses many factors involving interpersonal relationships. Instinctively, we all want that.
Next was avoiding personal attacks, including insults and cruelty.
Avoiding dominating is another. For conversations to be fair, everyone should have their turn. No one wants to hear a long-winded, rambling egocentric diatribe. It is exhausting.
Listening fully was and is key. It is hearing without mulling a counterargument and having to be right. We like to be heard and understood, and for someone to ask our opinion.
Just for fun, people are allowed to role-play being uncivil during the first session. Those were some of the basic rules established, and subjects discussed were wide open.
In more than five years, with at least 20 three-week experiments, there was only one incident that got out of hand. One person got angry because another pointed their finger at them, implying superiority. It pushed a button. “Don’t point your finger at me!” was vehemently stated. After brief dissension, an apology was issued and the storm clouds lifted.
We also experimented with honesty. Participants were given a time period to exercise complete, but not brutal, honesty. It was difficult for some, more than expected. Some honest answers to certain types of questions may lead to raw feelings.
How would you answer this? “If there is anything about me you would change, what would it be?” The emphasis was on avoiding deception and white lies. It made for interesting discussion.
Another activity was to perform a random act of kindness and discuss the outcome. That was almost always positive, and something we all should do.
Such a group experiment attracts all types, and is rare to achieve universal agreement. One participant thought it was a fine idea to always be fully armed and check the border. He had other opinions that inflamed internalized passions. His only complaint about the group was that it was too short. Apparently, he enjoyed having his opinions heard.
The bottom line is that civility is possible in disparate groups, as long as participants are willing to cooperate. We must also avoid buying into destructive conspiracies, dishonesty and misinformation. If we treat one another well, it is about the best we can do. And if we are honest with one another, it makes life easier, and we develop credibility. We like being with people we trust, and should develop that within ourselves.
Think of how life could be if we followed the basic tenets of cooperation, compassion, honesty and decency. It would remove much of the anxiety we feel. Therapists may lose business.
Is it utopian thinking that we can be a civil society? Perhaps, because cynicism, tribalism and fear-mongering are powerful enemies of that, but it is a worthy goal that begins with each of us. Starting now.
