This week's Ask Amy

Ask Amy: is ex and current girlfriends circle each other

Dear Amy: I have been seeing my boyfriend for nine months. We are middle aged, and are talking about building a life together.

When we met, he told me that he has remained good friends with all of his ex-girlfriends.

He dated his most recent ex for a year (they broke up a year before we met), but they were close friends for a decade before that.

She is probably his closest friend. The problem is that she refuses to meet me, or to include me in any social activities they engage in. She has since admitted to my boyfriend that she wants him back. He has made it clear to her that that wouldn’t happen, but he doesn’t want to lose her friendship.

He keeps asking me to be patient with the situation, and that it will hopefully resolve itself, but from my perspective, the resentment (definitely on my side, and probably on hers, too) is just growing by the day.

He has been open and honest with me about everything regarding her, and I trust him, but the situation feels unbearable to me at this stage. He refuses to let the friendship go. Is it time for me to make an ultimatum, or am I overreacting?

— Frustrated Current GF

Dear Frustrated: I’m trying to imagine your boyfriend’s thinking, where his priority is to continue a friendship with someone who doesn’t respect him enough to let him live his life. She is controlling him, and he is asking you to let her control you, too.

In terms of ultimatums, he should be delivering one to her: “This is my life. If you want to continue on in friendship, you’ll have to accept my partner. You decide.”

If he wanted to put you at the center of his life, your boyfriend would find it easy to do so. Until he figures this out, you and his ex will be nudging each other in and out of the circle. Do you want to wage emotional combat with another woman? I don’t think you do.

I have mixed feelings about ultimatums. I think you should decide what you want in a long-term relationship, and then pursue your own ideal.

If you want a fully integrated love relationship where both partners freely share their lives, friends and family, you’ll probably have to seek it with a different person. That’s not an ultimatum, but a choice.

Dear Amy: Six weeks ago we invited our adult married son and his wife to a special ticketed event. I asked my son three different times before I made the purchase: “Are you sure you can and will go?” He and his wife both said, “Yes, we will go. We said we would go, and we will go.”

So I bought the expensive tickets (great seats) four nonrefundable tickets in all for $340.

Then I get a phone call from my son, who told me that they were not going. He told me it’s “not their thing” and that the event interfered with their three-day weekend (we had also discussed that before we purchased the tickets).

He told us to invite someone else.

I told them it was not my job to try and resell these tickets or invite another couple. I told him I expected them to pay us $160.

I mailed their two tickets to them and sent them a bill for $160.

Why should we get stiffed?

My son said he would be mailing the tickets back to us.

I said, “OK, we can’t make you do the right thing.”

Were we out of line?

— Upset Parent

Dear Parent: I envision these tickets being sent back and forth through the mail, in an unending loop, powered by frustration and resistance.

You are not out of line. I suspect there are underlying issues here that have resulted in this current unpleasantness.

I hope you can resolve some of these issues, but until you do, do not spend any more money trying to provide these family members with special experiences.

Dear Amy: I’m responding to the query from “Still Working,” the retirement-age teacher who was annoyed by people asking her if she was still working.

You don’t seem to understand that many people cannot afford to retire. How would you answer this question if you were in that boat?

— Not Retiring

Dear Not Retiring: I would suggest the same answer: “Yes, I’m still working.”

If the person asks how long you intend to keep working you say, “As long as I’m able.”

Ask Amy: Smart home turns husband into Big Brother

Dear Amy: In this age of “smart homes,” where everything can be synced up by an app with notifications, are we wrong to feel a loss of privacy?

I work from home, so I am mainly at home during the day.

My husband gets alerts every time the front door is opened. If a package is delivered, he receives an image of the package. He can track the electricity usage from our solar production. He can turn off the lights and open the skylight from his phone.

Today he texted me that I shouldn’t be running the dryer during certain peak hours. He then shut it off remotely!

I have nothing to hide, but am increasingly annoyed that my own actions are being tracked.

He’s micromanaging me from afar!

How should I handle this?

— Living in the Future

Dear Living: I think you should send yourself a big bouquet of flowers and have it delivered during your husband’s peak “watching hours,” which I guess is all day long.

On the card, write: “Kindly stop watching me, dear. I don’t like it.”

I wish people were more aware of the potential negative impact these devices and systems can have on our personal lives and relationships.

For instance, your husband, who cannot resist the temptation to control you and your house, likely has more privacy in a crowded office than you have at home.

Once you surrender your privacy, and your freedom to make choices, including mistakes, without interference, what do you have left? An ongoing relationship with Big Brother.

If you cannot persuade your husband to respect your privacy and detach from you during the day, then you should find a coworking space, a coffee shop, or a garden shed to work out of to escape his surveillance.

Dear Amy: I’m a 30-year-old woman who lives with my boyfriend. I’ve had several weddings in the past few years for friends and family, and I’m happy for all of them.

HOWEVER, I am sick of attending bridal showers when the couple has lived together for years and is financially stable. It feels gift grabby. Showers originated for couples moving out of their parents’ homes and living with each other for the first time, people “just starting out” with empty homes.

Showers also harken to traditional gender roles. I feel silly buying cooking tools for “Lindsey’s shower” when I know it’s her fiance who does the cooking.

Am I being a curmudgeon? Many of these couples have lived together for years in furnished homes, and items will be used by both the man and woman, yet expect only their female friends (not males) to provide new domestic items. It also is a gross reminder of consumer culture wherein people collect mounds of junk they don’t need.

My mother said that even if I don’t attend, I’d still have to send a gift just because I was invited!

Who is right?

— Fed Up

Dear Fed Up: If an invitation alone obligated a person to provide a gift, then we’d all receive a lot more disingenuous invitations.

If you don’t attend a shower, you are not obligated to send a gift (although some people choose to send gifts, regardless).

I agree with you about consumer culture and gender roles. However, when you give a gift at a shower, it is intended as a gift for both parties (and not all showers are cisgendered affairs). I also don’t think it is up to you to decide whether a couple “needs” dish towels or a blender. Attend with an open mind, or don’t attend.

Some marrying couples are getting creative about showers; for couples who are already well-equipped with traditional shower-type gifts, I love the idea of a “charity shower,” where guests are encouraged to bring food, toiletries, school backpacks to fill, or cash, for a charity of the couple’s choosing.

Dear Amy: “Mutt Mama” had adopted an aggressive dog, and wanted advice about how to keep others away.

A yellow ribbon or scarf prominently tied on a leash or collar is a clear and easily recognized signal that this dog is NOT friendly and DO NOT APPROACH.

It would also give Mama a chance to educate others who may not have learned that lesson.

Kudos to Mama for taking on the pet that might not have been adoptable.

— Dog Lover

Dear Dog Lover: Several people pointed out that a yellow scarf or ribbon should be recognized by other dog owners as a signal to give a wide berth. Thank you.

Ask Amy: Fears abound despite great marriage, husband

Dear Amy: I am married to the man of my dreams. After a rough first marriage, I was definitely rewarded with an amazing second one.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years now, and it still feels like we’re honeymooning. The problem? I’m terrified that something is going to happen to him.

I know it’s silly, but the fear that he will die never leaves me. I lie awake some nights, heart pounding, worrying about it.

I know that worrying solves absolutely nothing, but I can’t shake it! I reached out for therapy, but my insurance doesn’t cover mental health and my city is woefully lacking in resources. I’m on two waitlists for affordable therapy, but I’m not sure what to do in the meantime. Any tips on managing this fear?

— Scared Silly in New Orleans

Dear Scared Silly: Given that this fear and rumination are interfering with your daily life, it’s important that you continue to pursue professional counseling.

I assume that this overwhelming fear you are experiencing is at its core not really about your husband, but about you. Coming to terms with other losses in your life will help you to embrace your current daily blessings with less fear attached.

If you don’t learn to manage this, your ongoing fear will affect your lovely and loving relationship.

In the short term, I suggest diving into practical and healthy pursuits that may help to rewire your brain. Running, yoga, meditation, and music are all activities that you can pursue as ways to both distract and expand your consciousness, and better control your ruminative thoughts.

You live in New Orleans (lucky you!), and so I suggest that you pick up your ukulele and join one of the many free jam sessions that spring up around the city. Music will open you up.

For an introductory guide to a daily meditation practice, read “How to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind,” by the wonderful Buddhist sage Pema Chodron (2013, Sounds True). With gentle good humor, Chodron lovingly leads the reader toward a beginner’s meditation practice.

Your fearful thoughts will still enter your mind. But meditation can teach you to open a window, and let these thoughts merely pass through.

Dear Amy: This may sound silly, but my 50th high school reunion is approaching fast. One of the people who will attend is the “mean kid” who tormented me.

I can’t tell you how many times he would follow me in the hall, yelling, “HEY, UGLY! YOU’RE SO UGLY YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF!”

According to people who still know him, he has spent the intervening years honing his witty repartee.

I’ve had a long and happy marriage (he’s been married/divorced four times), a wonderful family, and a great career (research chemist). I have no idea why it still bothers me. Why does it still hurt?

I do not want him to control my behavior. I’ve thought carefully about how to react if I see him. I’ve decided I won’t remember him. I’m also prepared to leave quickly if I decide I want to. I understand that he’s either a sad, unhappy person or just a nasty jerk. Either way, I have my husband and children.

I love your thoughtful advice.

— Hurting

Dear Hurting: This still hurts because being bullied and harassed in adolescence is noxious, undermining and unforgettable. Of course it still hurts!

You should spare a thought for the wounded life of the young person who would be so cruel. Only someone deeply scarred would seek to torment and injure another young person in such an obvious way.

But enough about him.

I like your idea to “not know” this man at the event. If you can’t avoid an encounter or introduction, responding with “... And you are...?” might make you smile inside.

I assume you were not his only victim. Attend this reunion knowing that you have a squad of people (all of the bullied, harassed or formerly lonely high schoolers reading this) cheering you on.

Dear Amy: Thank you for your response to “Saddened,” who had recently been dumped by her husband. No, she should not have to beg her husband to see their children, but yes, she should always try to advocate for the kids.

Like you said in your answer, it’s hard.

— Been There

Dear Been There: Yes, it’s hard. But that’s what good parents do.

Ask Amy: Mom corrals daughter into real estate

Dear Amy: My mother remarried and started a new family when I was 16.

She and I have had periods of estrangement, but for the past few years we have grown closer.

When she married my stepfather, Mom began working for her mother-in-law in real estate.

I believe her MIL, who is in her mid-80s, has been extremely manipulative and cruel to her. Despite this, Mom continues to work with her.

Mom is in her mid-60s. She is at a point where I feel she should be slowing down due to physical issues. Instead, she is pursuing more real estate transactions and needs to update her training.

She has asked for my help with some computer aspects of the transactions, which I don’t mind doing. But she recently asked me to do a final walk-through with clients before closing on a piece of property. I am not a Realtor and I do not work in real estate. I told my mother I felt it would be best that she maneuvered her schedule so she could be there with her clients, but if she needs me to do it, I would not mind.

However, I do have reservations about it. I feel it is not professional, but I would not say that to her because I don’t want to hurt her.

She gets very short when we don’t agree.

Looking at it from a client’s point of view, it seems odd.

Because my mother has some nagging health issues I try to be understanding that she wants to work as long as possible, but I also feel she is opening herself up to even more stress. I need to lay down a boundary about where I will help and what her professional responsibilities are.

Your thoughts?

— Continual Frustrations

Dear Frustrations: I agree that you need to lay down some reasonable boundaries. I wonder, however, if you are capable of doing that.

If you don’t want to do something, for whatever reason, you need to say so. “I don’t want to do this, but if you insist, I don’t mind...” is a muddled message.

Your mother has every right to continue to work into her mid-60s and beyond.

If she is asking you to take on more and more of this real estate work, you should tell her, “I can’t help you with this. I’m not licensed and this is not my field.” (Would you ask your mother to take your place at work for a couple of hours? I assume not.)

As a potential client of hers, I would not be thrilled to learn that the person performing the final walk-through was not qualified or licensed. Worst-case scenario, a miscommunication during the walk-through could scuttle a sale or land a client in court.

Your assistance should be in the form of encouraging her to take good care of herself, and to keep her skills current.

Dear Amy: I recently lost my husband after 31 years of marriage. He was 54 years old.

I am back to work, and trying to keep things together.

I know friends and co-workers truly care about how I am doing, however, every day I am asked, “How are you?” Many days I’m not good.

I have no desire to share how I’m really doing with casual co-workers.

In all honesty, I would like to wear a sign saying, “Please, don’t ask how I am.” Any suggestions for how to avoid these questions?

— Please Don’t Ask

Dear Please Don’t Ask: I’m so sorry for your loss. I can understand why you don’t want to engage in what for you is a very loaded question, especially at work.

Please remember, however, that for many, “How are you” is a pedestrian greeting, along the lines of “Hey, how’s it going?”

Trying to answer truthfully opens up a conversation you aren’t ready to have with your co-workers, so go ahead and paint your truth with a broad brush. Say, “Oh, I’m hanging in there. How are you?”

Dear Amy: “Still Working” was retirement age but was annoyed when people asked her if she was still working.

I went back to work 15 months ago. I’m currently 68.

When I get asked, “Are you still working?” I say, “I get full benefits, 401(k), pension plan and medical. Wouldn’t you still work?”

— Problem Solved

Dear Problem Solved: As I responded to “Still Working,” asking this question of someone in the retirement-zone shouldn’t be seen as a huge affront.

Ask Amy: Distant dad has generous sons on family plan

Dear Amy: I am a mother of two boys, age 12 and 14. Their father is in and out of their lives. He very rarely contributes to their upbringing.

The boys have spent a total of 10 days with him this entire year. He lives 20 miles away. While with him, my sons decided their dad could use a new cellphone. I have no idea if this was their dad’s idea or theirs, but my boys asked to put their savings together (earned from doing chores and/or saving birthday money) to buy a new phone for their dad.

Amy, their dad has taken numerous vacations this year, including cruises and flights out of the country. He did not bother even once to take the boys. He even promised he was taking them on one of his trips to New York and did not take them. He didn’t even bother to tell them he wasn’t taking them; he just didn’t show.

I am conflicted on whether I should let our sons buy him a phone. I don’t want them to, obviously, and my thoughts are if he needs a new phone, he should skip a vacation and buy one. But I’m not sure how, or even if, I should explain this to my boys. Should I just let them do a good deed for their father without interfering?

— Trying to be a Good Mom

Dear Trying: Your son’s father is not an attentive or responsible parent. Your boys haven’t had consistent contact.

This is what I think is going on: These boys love their father; they want him in their lives, and they are turning themselves inside out to please him. Human nature leads children to seek love, and to try mightily to have contact with and please, their parents.

These boys are secure in your love for them, which means, paradoxically, that they won’t be giving you a new phone anytime soon. They know your love isn’t contingent on the shallow pleasure of receiving material things.

In short, they are trying to win over their father, and he is taking advantage of this dynamic, because he isn’t the man he should be.

Say to them, “You have earned this money. Are you sure you want to do this? I know that Dad can take care of himself, but I won’t stop you, if that’s what you really want to do. It’s your money to spend as you wish.”

Make sure they understand that you will not make up for this expenditure, and make sure that you will be there for them (emotionally) when they get burned. Unfortunately, there is a high likelihood that this purchase will not be a good investment.

Dear Amy: My husband has OCD. He refuses to seek treatment. His behaviors annoy and irritate me in many ways.

However, the worst for me is when we must ride in the car together.

He cannot be still and simply drive the car.

We both love listening to music. However, he must add a jaunty whistle, an enthusiastic percussion drummed on the steering wheel or his lap, or, most annoyingly, a “ch-ch-ch-ch” sound.

Without going into detail, suffice it to say that the music we listen to is NOT enhanced by jaunty whistling. There is no point in asking him to stop, because he will immediately turn it back on me and come up with something I do that he doesn’t like.

Instead, I sit in the car and dig my nails into my fists. I want to slice my ears off.

What can I do to make this better?

— Not Van Gogh

Dear Van Gogh: If you and your husband learned how to lovingly and respectfully communicate, you might be able to tackle this together.

It’s possible that you each have ironic and repellent disorders: OCD for him and misophonia (an outsized rage-reaction to certain sounds) for you. What are the odds?

Given that he won’t even acknowledge or validate your struggle with his various tics, you’ll have to resort to your own fixes. Deep breathing and earbuds might help to distract you.

Dear Amy: Thank you for your practical advice to “Travel Bugged.” If you don’t enjoy traveling with family members, then don’t do it!

— Solo Traveler

Dear Solo: Once people have successfully suffered through an experience and survived it, they sometimes feel locked in for a repeat. Don’t do it!

Ask Amy: Aspiring lawyer rests his case

Dear Amy: My brother and I are both in our young 20s and are still living at home. I am getting my master’s degree and my brother has recently decided that he would like to study for the LSAT and attend law school.

He has never much liked school, nor spent much time studying, but he has decided that he will start writing practice exams and then do the LSAT.

My mother and I are supportive; we want to encourage him to continue his education. Working toward a goal, choosing his career path, all of this is awesome.

However, I am annoyed by his study habits. He demands absolute silence.

He studies on the main floor (next to the kitchen) in the late afternoon and into the evening.

If me or my mother are at all “disruptive” (by talking to each other while preparing dinner, or even simply preparing dinner too loudly) he will berate us, yelling and cursing.

I have argued that this isn’t a fair time or location (he could choose to do these practice exams during the day when no one is home, or study in his bedroom), but these suggestions have resulted in more shouting.

What should we do?

— Chatty Sister

Dear Chatty: I’m trying to imagine the sense of entitlement that gives a young man license to silence his own mother, while she is busy preparing his supper.

Wow, he’ll make partner at a law firm someday.

And I have to ask: What kind of household is your mother running?

At this juncture, she doesn’t seem to be running her household at all. Your brother is squarely in charge.

Your mother’s response to his demands for silence should be: “Go to your room. Go to the library. Wear headphones. If you want to spend time around us, you’ll have to be civil. And if you don’t like living at home, there’s the door.”

It sounds as if your brother isn’t working outside the home. Ideally, he should approach his studying like a 9-to-5 job, leaving time for conversation, exercise, good nutrition and good sleep.

Dear Amy: Help! There has been a big rift in my family since the 2016 election. My cousin is quite right wing and has been particularly rude and insulting (to the point of unfriending on social media). We don’t associate socially anymore.

I, too, feel very strongly about politics and will challenge comments I know are not based in fact.

Now there is a wedding coming up and everyone is invited.

My stomach clenches at the thought of being in a room with him and like-minded members of the family.

My question is whether it is better to show up and shut up for the sake of family, or not go because I am appalled by their politics and beliefs.

I am really struggling with this.

What do you think I should do?

— Struggling

Dear Struggling: When encountering tricky social situations, if “show up and shut up” is presented as one of the options, I’m usually voting for that.

I hope you and your cousin choose to abide by this very basic and easy-to-follow social contract.

This wedding is not about your cousin’s or your politics. It is about celebrating the marrying couple, and embracing the growth of your family through marriage.

I suggest you toughen your spine, exercise your right to show up where you’re invited and choose to avoid talking politics.

Steer clear of the most toxic cousin, and the bar.

If you do engage, remain civil, and show your more boorish relatives that you won’t be riled or bullied, by responding: “I don’t think this is the time and place to fight about politics, do you?”

Dear Amy: Responding to the conversation about the question signed by “Disrespected DIL,” I am a man with a life-threatening anaphylactic allergy to any crustacean, penicillin, walnuts and strawberries.

Emergencies have occurred a few hours before a flight from London, when the emergency could have happened mid-ocean, once during car travel to my employer’s Texas plant and once in Tokyo.

It is a very scary situation. I am shocked that an in-law is so callous about attempting to feed life-threatening food to her daughter-in-law.

Disrespected should stop eating at her in-laws’ place. The victim’s husband should be more protective toward his wife.

— Joseph, in Indiana

Dear Joseph: I wonder if readers advising “Disrespected DIL” to “suck it up” really understand what it is like to have this sort of allergy attack.