"Why doesn’t my child mind me?" is the most common question parents ask me.
Kids don’t mind us for a variety of reasons but using an ineffective command is a biggie. I confess I used the most ineffective command of all, yelling “Stop that!” from across the room. Who needed to stop? Stop what?
Other ineffective things parents do: vague threats ("You’ll be sorry!"), unrealistic threats ("I’ll kill you if you do that again!"), stupid questions ("Why can’t you behave?"), begging, and especially saying TOO MUCH, TOO MANY TIMES.
So, after years of anguish (Why can’t I get this right?) and more years of research (Is there a better way?) I came up with the EFFECTIVE COMMAND.
Rules for using the Effective Command:
1. Be CLOSE to the child.
2. Start with the CHILD’S NAME.
3. Make a CLEAR, CONCISE STATEMENT.
4. Have a COMMANDING EXPRESSION on your face.
5. Use a COMMANDING TONE OF VOICE — but speak softly.
6. Omit the word "please" — a command is not a request like "Please pass the potatoes."
7. Omit any words of warning — hitting is NEVER allowed.
8. Do not give the child a choice — it’s a RULE.
“Joshua, no hitting!” Say it once. If Josh doesn’t obey he gets a consequence.
All savvy parents today know they are supposed to talk to their young children from the moment of birth so they will learn language. Right. But baby talk, questions, requests, suggestions, teaching moments, discussions, heart-to-hearts, etc., do not require an immediate cessation of action or initiation of action.
It is important that your child stops hitting or starts getting dressed now.
Try the Effective Command. It works!
Ilustración por Tammie Graves / La Estrella de Tucsón
Dr. Heins is a pediatrician, parent, step-parent, grandmother, step great-grandmother, and the founder and CEO of ParentKidsRight.com. She welcomes your individual parenting questions. Email info@ParentKidsRight.com for a professional, personal, private, and free answer to your questions.
