Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
My wife and I have always given our children and their spouses nice checks on their birthdays. We enjoy doing this, and we can afford to write the checks. Well, now our son “Tim” has asked us to stop giving money to him and his wife, saying that they have a lot more than we do (we knew that) and that it makes them uncomfortable to take ours.
We know they mean well, but we’re unhappy and hurt. Since when do children have to be in need before parents can give them checks for their birthdays? We raised all of our children to be independent adults, and, happily, none of them “needs” our money. But we don’t see why they can’t enjoy receiving it and spending it. What do you think?
— C.S., Florida
Dear C.S.:
We think you’re right. Even if your son and his wife are tied with Bill Gates at the top of Forbes’ list of wealthiest Americans, they should just accept your gifts with thanks. It’s bad enough that they fail to grasp both the pleasure you take in giving these checks and the fact that the money was never intended to cover the cost of things you thought they couldn’t afford. But Tim and his wife are missing something much more fundamental: that gifts matter to the givers, not just to the recipients.
In particular, gift-giving is an important way of expressing love, appreciation and good wishes. And in your case, it also goes hand in hand with your role as the heads of your family.
Your son and daughter-in-law may be loaded, but they still have a lot to learn. Luckily, they have you.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
When my mother started to become disoriented a few years ago, my brother dragged her to a lawyer and made her change her will so that he alone was the beneficiary of her most valuable asset, a cattle farm.
Now Mom’s been diagnosed with full-blown dementia, and my brother has put himself in charge of her finances. He’s let her house fall into disrepair, and he refuses to pay anything to my sister, who lives with Mom and takes care of her. According to him, “She’s living there rent-free, and that’s payment enough.” My question is, do my sister and I have grounds to challenge our mother’s will after she’s gone?
— Vera, Kansas City area
Dear Vera:
Don’t wait until your mother’s gone to do something. See an attorney — now. Tell him or her what you’ve told us, and find out what steps you can take to unseat your brother as your mother’s de facto guardian and to invalidate the new will he bullied her into signing. Adult Protective Services where your mother lives also may be able to help protect her interests — and yours. Good luck.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
As a friend’s power of attorney/personal representative with trust powers, should I consider all her property (e.g., land, cattle, investments) to be in her trust? There is no specific list, but before my friend entered hospice, I began looking after all her property and bank accounts. So you can know, here’s what the trust document states: “The authority of the Personal Representative will continue following my death for a time reasonably needed to complete administration of the property which, at the time of my death, was in the custody of my Personal Representative.” What should I do?
— Linda M., Austin, Texas
Dear Linda:
Stop guessing. The way the law works, each of your friend’s assets either is or is not in the trust. And depending on what it says in the Power of Attorney document, you either do or do not have the authority to manage the property which is not.
To find out where your responsibilities and your authority begin and end, you need to speak to an attorney. The one who’s going to help settle your friend’s estate probably is a good person to start with.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
We have a neighbor problem. Recently, the folks next door re-landscaped their front yard and, in doing so, they cut down the part of our juniper tree that had grown over onto their property. Unfortunately, with such a big chunk of our tree now gone, the rest of it is starting to die. So far, we haven’t said anything to our neighbors. What’s the best way to handle this situation?
— C.T., San Jose, California
Dear C.T.:
Begin by finding out from the city whether your neighbors had the right to remove the portion of the juniper on their side of the property line. They may well have. If that’s the case, there’s not much you can do, as unhappy as you may be, except to ask your neighbors — nicely, of course — to give you a heads-up the next time they plan to take a saw to your vegetation.
If that makes them feel ashamed for giving your juniper a buzz cut without first letting you know, good.
If, however, you learn that your neighbors didn’t have the right to cut back your tree, ask a lawyer what steps you can take to be compensated for your loss — and ask before you speak to your neighbors. You need to know what to say if they don’t offer to do the right thing.
