Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
I’m a divorced woman in my 40s who recently relocated to a new city looking for better employment opportunities. I’d like to find a boyfriend, and possibly even marry again, but I would only consider moving in with a guy who is in good shape financially. I’m struggling myself (no savings, no pension and, at the moment, no job), and I need a partner who can help me moneywise, not someone who’s hoping I can help him. When I shared these thoughts with a job counselor, she called me a “gold digger.” Can she be right? I’ve always believed that women should be independent and self-supporting, and I still do. I’m just being realistic about my own situation.
— Unsettled, California
Dear Unsettled:
If you think you’ve found Mr. Right and his bank account is the primary reason you’re attracted to him, your job counselor isn’t the only one who’d call you a gold digger. But if having a good job and money in the bank are simply hurdles that — like having a good sense of humor — a prospective romantic interest has to clear before you can get seriously interested in him, there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, many divorced men your age are interested only in good-looking, much younger women. Folks get to establish their own prerequisites in the mating game. You haven’t crossed over to the dark side unless your intended thinks you’re in love with him, while the truth is you’re in love with his money.
Don’t forget, though, that being sensible is a two-way street. You can’t complain if you meet a great guy and it turns out he doesn’t want a partner who could be a financial burden.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
I’m sick of the way a friend talks about my job, and I don’t know what to do about it. Here’s the situation: I work at a startup that’s developing a new technology to help stroke victims. If we’re successful, more people will survive strokes, and all of us will make a lot of money.
My friend teaches at a community college (he’s been a public employee since he left college), and he’s one of those guys who’s reflexively contemptuous of business and who believes that all for-profit enterprises are corrupt. So whenever he introduces me to someone, he always says, “Ryan’s an MBA, but don’t hold that against him. He works for a company that’s developing worthwhile medical products.” I find this insulting. But I’m afraid if I say anything, it will only encourage him. What do you suggest?
— Ryan, Mountain View, California
Dear Ryan:
When you introduce this guy to your friends, you could always say, “He lives off your taxes, but don’t worry, he’s still a nice guy.”
Kidding aside, the secret when someone behaves like your friend is to not sound defensive when you object. The next time your buddy makes his little speech, take him aside and tell him you’re afraid he’s misleading his friends. Tell him that while you hope your company’s products may one day save lives, you’re not working there because you’re some modern-day Mother Teresa. Rather, like all the other employees, you’re hoping for a substantial financial reward. Let him know, in other words, that you’re not embarrassed to be a profit-seeker and that you feel no need to offer excuses for being one.
If he’s been giving that speech principally to needle you, this should put an end to it. But if he’s doing it because he’s embarrassed by what you do, he’s unlikely to stop. In that case, you’ll have to decide if you want to continue being friends with someone who feels the need to apologize to others for liking you.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
Does the spouse who made the most money get to have the most say over how it’s spent when it’s time to retire?
— Unhappy, Schenectady, New York
Dear Unhappy,
Did the spouse who made the most money have the most say over how it was spent while he or she was making it? We ask because there’s no reason why retirement per se should have anything to do with who gets to decide how a couple allocate their resources.
Look, in some homes there’s a single breadwinner who turns his or her paycheck over to the spouse, who in turn manages the household’s finances. In others, the principal breadwinner also makes all the financial decisions. And in some homes, spending decisions are made jointly, independent of the earnings of each spouse. Every couple has to figure out what works for them. If the arrangement you have with your spouse hasn’t been working for you, you need to address it with him or her. But the who’s-in-charge issue has nothing to do with retirement.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
My brother “Jack” has become obsessed with the fact that our elderly uncle’s will calls for me to inherit more than he does. (How he found out is a whole other story. Suffice it to say Jack is a very pushy guy.) So now, after having ignored “Uncle Ed” for many years, Jack’s bombarding him with attention and pressing him on why he’s leaving more money to me. The reason, in fact, is simple: I’m much closer to my uncle than Jack is. I’ve been visiting him regularly for decades, and in more recent years, I’ve helped him with many chores. Also, I’m my uncle’s executor. Frankly, I’m disgusted by my brother’s relentless self-promotion with my uncle. Does this kind of thing happen often?
— Claire, Cleveland
Dear Claire:
All the time. So ask your uncle if he’d like your help getting his pushy nephew to back off. Your brother sounds like someone who needs to have some boundaries established, and your uncle may need reinforcements.
