An object at rest remains at rest unless an external force acts upon it.
So says Isaac Newton.
I don’t know much about the guy, but the dude must’ve had kids. Otherwise, how could he ever have come up with that law of motion?
Scene: Late 1600s, a sunny spring day and Newton tries to roust three children of varying ages from their straw mattresses, “Come on! Pip pip! The day is wasting away! Let’s do some calculus or devise some new theorems, see what happens when apples drop from trees!”
No one moves. Inertia. Which, incidentally, would be a really pretty name for a girl.
During spring break, I saw plenty of objects at rest — all over my furniture.
Three kids, transfixed by glowing screens — one playing a game, another catching up on “Teen Wolf” and a third watching, inexplicably, the Chinese-dubbed version of “White House Down” — their faces looking eerily green in the dark living room.
Apparently slothiness is contagious because normally No. 3 has the limitless energy level of an espresso-drinking border collie, and yet even he can’t tear himself away from this game app called AA. Interesting coincidence. The addictive game also apparently requires a 12-step program.
“Hey guys! We should do something,” said External Force No. 1 (moi).
No one even looked up.
Dead silence.
Finally, someone spoke. “Like what” came the question in a tone as flat as a really bad pancake.
“Do you want to go bowling?” asked External Force No. 2 (Dad).
“Eeeeeeeeeh.”
The sound of complete disinterest is probably the same exact noise that teen sloths make when their moms ask them to do something productive. “Hey, why don’t you move down that branch? Just an inch? You’ve been in that spot all day.”
“Eeeeeeeeh. I moved an inch yesterday. Eeeeeeeeeeh.”
We ticked off options — board games, a bike ride, laundry, clean house, write a letter to prospective adoptive parents on why you should be chosen over your lazy siblings?
Not surprisingly, Lump Nos. 1, 2 and 3 all agreed upon the very passive activity of watching a movie, one we’d even seen before.
Times have changed.
When those boogers were really little, school breaks were about getting out and DOING SOMETHING. Anything. They couldn’t get their shoes on fast enough. Time off is definitely a lot more sedate in our house. I get it — life’s super busy and school is a lot more demanding than early elementary when all you really had to do was learn to use scissors to cut paper, not your hair, and that it’s not appropriate to lick non-food items, like other students.
Actually, now that I think about it, I believe I have a revolutionary new theorem. Let’s call it Cook’s Law of No Motion: If three constantly-moving objects are at rest and not picking fights with each other, LEAVE THEM ALONE. And go take a nap.
