Dear Amy: My husband and I are middle-aged. We got married five years ago.
My husbandâs parents live out of state. I only met them one time before we got married, and now see them about twice a year for a day or two.
Every visit or phone call is ended with them saying, âLove you.â It makes no difference if I am alone or with my husband.
I understand them saying this to my husband, but it is very awkward when this statement is addressed to me.
They are nice people, and I like them, but I donât love them.
They barely know me and I really doubt that they love me.
Any suggestions on how to fill the awkward silence after they say, âLove youâ?
âAwkward
Dear Awkward: There are many different kinds of love, and the way we express our feelings of affection are usually established in our birth family and home culture. Iâm going to assume that your family is much more reserved than your husbandâs, and there is nothing wrong with that, but there is also nothing wrong with what your in-laws are doing.
Please donât doubt their feelings. They likely loved you before they even met you, because for them, when you got married, you instantly became a member of the family. Plus â their son loves you.
I have attended houses of worship, meditation retreats, friendship circles, yoga sessions and book clubs where everybody greets everybody else with an expression of love, whether or not youâre a stranger. I used to think that these expressions âcheapenedâ the whole love concept, but Iâve changed my mind.
I now think this sort of brotherly-sisterly-humankind love is beautiful and has a way of opening up a person. As I get older, I regret not expressing love to more people in my life, including family members, teachers, readers, friends and fans.
One suggestion is that you might examine what it would be like to fill this awkward space with, âOh, love you, too.â I suspect that the minute you said it, you would feel an interior shift.
However, if you donât want to do this, you can respond with, âThank you! I feel very lucky. You two are great, and I always enjoy talking to you.â
Dear Amy: I am in high school. I live with my parents and siblings. I have had a mainly happy and healthy childhood.
I recently found out, through invading my fatherâs privacy, that my father cheated on my mother. He was acting suspiciously while messaging after he returned from an event and I snuck a look at his phone.
Disrespecting my fatherâs privacy was wrong of me, but I feel that what he did was much worse than what I did, and I cannot undo or ignore what I found.
From what I saw, my father and this other woman plan to continue contact. My father does not know that I know, and my mother does not know about the situation at all.
I have no idea what to do, but doing nothing is not an option, as I am hurt as a result of this.
I do not want to tell my mom. It would definitely hurt her. Iâm hurt, too, but I have other things (school, etc.) to worry about, and I do not want to mess up what I thought was a strong family dynamic.
Should I confront my dad and tell him to put his family first?
âUpset
Dear Upset: Yes, you should confront your father.
No, you shouldnât tell him to put his family first.
The reason you shouldnât tell your father how to run his priorities is because the minute you start telling him how to behave, heâs going to stop listening and become defensive. And then heâll turn the focus to your behavior, and how you invaded his privacy.
Speak to him privately. Cop to what you did (get that out of the way), and then tell him how all of this makes you feel. Use âIâ statements: âIâm worried,â âIâm upset,â âThis makes me feel really upset about you and mom.â
None of this is your fault. I hope your father can get it together.
