Hello, 2013 survivors.
Somehow we endured a government shutdown, health insurance snafus, and Miley Cyrus — nude — astride a swinging ball. Can it get any worse? Probably. So let’s just focus on our little corner of the globe — the one that splays out in this valley we call, at least for the time being, the Old Pueblo.
Here are my predictions of happenings for the coming year. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Heh-heh-heh.
January: Rutabagas — not to mention rubberized balls — fly when the town’s largest farmers’ market sets up in the same park as the annual Soccer Shoot Out at Fort Lowell Park.
“What idiot scheduled us at the same time?” hollers Zeke “Farmer” Brown,” as he tries unsuccessfully to deflect yet another errant soccer ball from his jams and jellies. Crash! GOALLLLL!
February: Several professional golfers skip the Accenture Match Play at Dove Mountain in order to ride in the annual rodeo parade, tragically unaware that loud, polyester golf pants might frighten the horses.
March: March Madness overtakes the town as the Wildcats climb toward the Final Four. Seventeen men, ages 17 to 69, are rushed to the emergency room after spray-painting their faces — including nostrils — red and blue. Meanwhile, three newborns, all born on the same day at TMC, are named Wilbur, including one girl.
April: The Pima County Fair opens with a bang, literally, when a booth offering fried cotton candy balls explodes, hurling the fiery orbs straight into Zipper rider Wanda Lee Syke’s brand new hairdo. Wanda Lee settles for a lifetime supply of wigs — and unlimited rides on the Zipper of her choice.
May: In a last-ditch effort to gain approval, Rosemont Mine officials promise a job to every living adult in Pima County.
June: Seventeen women later described in the press as “bridezillas” throw “a hissy fit” after the ice sculptures at their wedding receptions puddle up during a record heat wave.
July: Tucson’s streetcar endeavor finally cranks into high gear — until a freak electrical storm shorts out the wires, creating a festive arc show on Congress Street.
August: Tucson officials postpone the town’s official Aug . 20 birthday bash until January. “I mean, what were those pioneers thinking?” bleats birthday organizer Jerry “Sweaty” Palmer.
September: Tragedy is averted when a plane destined for Davis-Monthan Air Force Base lands, instead, at 3 a.m. in the deserted parking lot of the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum. Explains the confused pilot: “Somehow, the computer on board mistook one ‘D-M’ for the other.”
October: The first out-of-state license plate is spotted on I-10 near Willcox, heading toward Tucson. Hotel rates immediately double.
November: The festive, yet somber mood of Tucson’s Day of the Dead remembrance is marred when 45 protesters disguised as plucked turkeys slip into the parade. “We need to acknowledge their ancestors as well,” explains Chloe “Tofu” McGillicuddy.
December: The Foothills are awash in white stuff after the snowfall machine at La Encantada runs amok, frightening shoppers and small children alike as it oozes out onto Sunrise Drive. Startled drivers stop their cars and try to start snowball fights, to no avail.
May all your troubles in the coming year be just as illusory.
