Jesus taught his disciples that they needed to follow two rules: to love God and to love their neighbor as themselves (Luke 10:27). As we celebrate mothers in May and fathers in June, we are reminded that the first neighbors we need to love are our families. And our parents set an example for us as to how we should love all of our neighbors. It would make sense to have a holiday where we celebrate the love that life partners have for each other whether they have children or not.
I do not think that Valentine’s Day covers what I have in mind. Then we celebrate romance, which is definitely worth celebrating. And every relationship needs romance in it. But there is also an old and true saying that romance equals hearts and flowers, but love equals another person. I want to suggest three important truths about living with a life partner (yes, I realize that one could make a longer list of such truths, but I am trying not to write a book).
When Jesus teaches us to love our neighbor, a key part of that love is the simple act of paying attention and showing respect to our neighbors and their needs. This is an important part of marriage also, but it needs to be accompanied by deep appreciation for the person you are sharing life with. You do not need to appreciate your neighbor to be concerned about their well-being. But to be a good life partner, you need to deeply value your partner. You need to have high regard for your partner. You need to have the sense that “my life is better because you are a part of it, and I do not want to contemplate the emptiness of life without you.”
This means that you let your partner know how much you appreciate them and that you make it a central goal of your life to work on your relationship. The commitment that people make in a marriage is both to another person and to their relationship. And relationships do not just happen. They need your continual care and concern.
This leads me to the truth that central to such relationships is making a continuous commitment to work on the relationship. Romance is something that we think of as simply and marvelously happening to us. But loving another person requires time and effort. When people tell me that they never argue in their marriage, my personal fire alarm goes off. Someone is swallowing a lot of bad feelings, or not paying attention, or otherwise being unhealthy. No two people agree on everything always. A big part of a relationship is learning to fight fairly and well. This means knowing when to fight and when to wait to fight. This means working hard first to be a good listener and then learning to make it clear that you have heard what your partner is concerned about.
Here we could make a long list of things one should work on to have a good and healthy love relationship. Today, I just want to make the basic points that life partners need to pay attention to each other, to appreciate one another (and routinely express that appreciation), and daily to commit to working on that relationship.
When people travel these paths, life goes well for them and for all who share life with them. I think this is the epitome of the love Jesus wants us to have for our neighbor and is a manifestation of the self-love he desires all of us to have, also.
