Part three of 12.
My wife has always been a social animal. She enjoys being with other people, chatting, making small talk, telling jokes. Her Alzheimerβs deterioration has not interfered with the outward sociability, but the way she carries it out is astonishing, both in its content and its effectiveness.
I am unable even to speculate how Joan came up with some of her approaches to sociability. A common one is to walk up to perfect strangers and say, βIβm not going to hit you now.β This comment is so strange and unusual that it generally produces two effects. First, the stranger immediately catches on that this is not a βnormalβ person; then they laugh. The laughing is, of course, exactly what my wife hopes for, and that just encourages her. But so what? Isnβt that a good thing?
Generally the strangers go on about their business, but once there was a special reaction. She approached a young lady in the produce section of the market where we often shop and made the comment. The lady flinched, and since I was standing by, I said that my wife has Alzheimerβs and uncontrollably does this kind of thing.
At that the lady grasped Joanβs hands and remarked, βOh, you have Alzheimerβs? May I pray with you?β There, among the cabbages, carrots and pears, she said a short prayer for my wife. Wasnβt that sweet?
In attempting to strike up a conversation, Joan uses the sequence βIβll try to behave. Didnβt I behave once? You donβt remember?β Itβs hard for anyone to avoid commenting on something like that.
In a very early visit to the psychiatrist, I had mentioned that she often used the word βbehave.β He kept count during the half hour session. It turned out to be nearly 40 times.
I have tried to figure out why that particular word or idea is so important to Joan in her fading memory. Itβs just speculation, but I refer to something I mentioned earlier in this series about the careful household in which she grew up. She and her older sister were the only children.
Their daily activities in the small town would consist of playing with neighbor kids, going to school, possibly parties, sometimes community or church events. I can just hear her mother saying to the girls, βNow you be sure to behaveβ as they left, and on their return, βDid you behave?β Well, Joan is still trying!
Small talk does not come easy to me, but for her it has always been natural. One of her opening gambits is βAnd what do you do?β She still says it, but cannot process the answer, so itβs likely sheβll ask the same person once more β several times in an evening. Again, sheβs trying to engage in whatever small talk she can, and I see no reason to interfere.
Tomorrow: Household duties.
