I am thankful I’m not parenting today. It must be really hard for parents to teach their children how to behave when the kids see, read or hear about behaviors in adults that you would never permit at home.
One of the most important jobs of parenting is teaching our children how to behave at home and in society. When children leave the nest, it is expected their behavior be acceptable. And it is expected they will have (or develop) values that society approves of.
Behavior is the way in which one acts or conducts oneself, especially toward others. Values are standards of actions and attitudes that shape who we are, how we live, and how we treat others. Interesting that a value increases as it is given away in the sense that the more given to others the more we get in return.
Specifically teach children about values like honesty, caring about others (the golden rule), tolerance, courage (daring not to follow the crowd), peacefulness and kindness. Parents and grandparents: Stand by your values no matter what’s going on in the world.
Values make society livable and workable and our job as parents is to pass them on to our children. Individual and collective happiness and well-being is connected to behavior governed by values. Children might learn on their own that if people lie they won’t be trusted, but society does not have time for children to learn such things on a trial-and-error basis.
A quick refresher course for parents and grandparents on the two types of lies children tell that are dependent on a child’s level of development. Preschool Lies are common because preschoolers are learning to separate fantasy from reality. Preschoolers are egocentric and believe that their thoughts and wishes can cause things to happen.
When your preschooler tells you a blatant lie the child is not trying to deceive you. The child believes what he or she is saying and wants it to be true. “The baby said she wanted to go to the playground!” says 3-year-old Liam. He knows the baby cannot talk but he wants to go to the playground and has chosen this way of saying so. It makes perfect sense to him that everybody wants to go.
Gently help your young child sort out reality from fantasy. Don’t worry about the morals of lying yet. Encourage inventiveness and help children realize there is a difference between what is in their head and what is reality. “What a clever story you made up!” is better than what we used to say, “Good boys don’t lie!”
School-age Lies are different. Lying is now used by the child to deceive someone, just as lying by an adult is. The good news is that the child has matured to the point where he or she can tell an adult-type lie. The bad news is you will be angry and hurt when you realize that your child is lying to you.
All school kids will deliberately lie at one time or other. Children lie to avoid punishment or criticism, to get out of meeting an obligation, to impress someone, to con someone or to enhance their status. Children also lie to test their parents.
They want to check whether lies are acceptable or they want to see if their parents are paying attention to what they are saying.
Look for the reason. Try to figure out why the child is lying. Never use entrapment to check for truthfulness. Instead of asking your son where he was and gleefully catching him in a lie, say you saw him playing video games at the mall when he was supposed to be doing his homework at the library. Ask the child to help you devise a logical and appropriate sanction for not being where he was supposed to be. Focus on the underlying broken rule, not just the lie.
What about “white lies” those untruths that we tell those to avoid hurting someone’s feelings? Explain we don’t say, “Your casserole tasted awful and we gave it to the dog!” Instead we say “Thank you for sharing your new recipe with us!” When the child points out that you’re not telling the truth, you have to explain the importance of both truth and empathy.
If you want to raise a moral child, start early. Don’t wait until Sunday school to model both truth and trust for your child.
How do we deal with the Grown-up Lies our children are exposed to today? We live in a world where dishonesty, especially dishonesty to avoid accountability, is pretty common. These lies come from the mouths and writings of prominent people who are covered daily and widely in both TV and print and on social media.
Readers, I am stumped and have no idea! At the same time I am convinced that the family unit has never been as important as it is to children today.
