Ask Amy: Friend in abusive relationship faces estrangement

Dear Amy: My friend “Liz” and I have been best friends since high school. We’re now in our 30s. We’ve been there for each other through breakups and divorces and childbirth and her coming out as a lesbian.

We have always told each other everything, so when she started telling me things via text about her new girlfriend that sounded like emotional abuse, I told her I worried that’s what it was. There have been many, many red flags throughout their relationship that pointed to emotional abuse and I had in the past mentioned that it sounded as such.

She said she wanted to meet in person to explain why she didn’t feel it was emotional abuse. I explained that if the meeting was to convince me of her girlfriend’s virtues it was a waste of time. After that I didn’t hear from her for months, despite my texts and phone calls. She finally reached out to me six months ago to say that they were likely breaking up. I kept my mouth shut this time, having learned my lesson.

That was the last I’ve heard from her in months. I’ve reached out many, many times and have received no response.

I don’t understand what is happening or how to resolve it if she won’t respond. I’d hate to think that a 20-year friendship is destroyed because of what, exactly? What should I do?

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— Concerned

Dear Concerned: One theory is that “Liz” did not in fact break up with her girlfriend, and because she has remained in the relationship and she knows how you feel about it, she has decided to keep her girlfriend, and let you go.

It is a devastating reality that when you have a loved one you believe to be in an abusive relationship, you sometimes have to willingly relinquish your own influence, in order to continue to stay in the relationship.

Reach out to her in a neutral attitude of support. Do not raise the issue of her relationship, and don’t pressure her to be in touch. Simply tell her, “I was thinking about you today and hope you are doing well.” Share a bit of news from your own life, and then hope that eventually she will gradually work with you to restore your friendship.