DEAR AMY: I have become the person in my family who holds family secrets.
I am the last of my immediate family, but I have half-siblings from my fatherβs second marriage.
Family folklore (which I havenβt been able to verify) is that our dad fathered a child with a high school sweetheart, and the child was put up for adoption. This child would be close to 80 years old now.
Iβve also become aware that prior to meeting my father, my stepmother got pregnant by a married man, and left town to have the child and then also placed the baby up for adoption.
So, I have another half-sibling, and my three half-siblings have two half-siblings. My siblings donβt know about either of these stories. I have tried to find my half-sibling and have come up short, and have found nothing about my stepmomβs situation. Her sister is still living.
I feel torn in keeping this information from my half-siblings. They also feel ashamed that they donβt know much about their mother. I love them and donβt want to hurt them.
I donβt know what can be gained from telling them these stories. I also donβt know how/why I know all this and they donβt. It doesnβt seem fair to any of us.
Is it worth telling them while they still have time to possibly find their sibling, even though I havenβt been able to find mine/ours?
β Conflicted
Dear Conflicted: The two stories you relate fall into the hearsay/rumor category. In fact, since both stories are so similar (a person has a baby out of wedlock and places the baby up for adoption), itβs possible that the two stories are in fact one story that has been jumbled or conflated over time.
Unless you have actual evidence that either story is true, or even corroboration of the story from another living family member, you shouldnβt repeat it.
You and your siblings should spend as much time as possible with your aunt (your stepmotherβs sister), who may fill in some of the gaps of the family history through photos, letters, and stories. You could ask her privately about these rumors to see if she has any insight. But do not assume they are true.