DEAR AMY: I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. I am 21; he is 23. We get along very well, but he is extremely shy! He barely speaks to my family or friends, or even at his own family functions. Around me, he is fairly chatty. Why isn’t he like this with anyone else?
He only has a select few friends that he plays video games with. He thinks it’s “weird” to hang out, and he “hates small talk because it is pointless.”
For a long time, this didn’t bother me. However, now my mother says she doesn’t like him because he is unfriendly. She tells me she would rather I was with someone else; someone more “involved.” My friends have also expressed concern; they say he’s “awkward.”
What can I do to help my boyfriend be more sociable? He has expressed an interest in seeking help, we just don’t know where to get it. Should my friends and family be more understanding?
— Disturbed
Dear Disturbed: The first thing you should do is to understand that your boyfriend is likely an introvert. Expecting him to suddenly become sociable is like expecting an orange to become a blueberry. Could you behave in a way that is in complete opposition to your nature? Probably not.
You and your guy should both read the bestselling book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking,” by Susan Cain (2013, Broadway Books). This groundbreaking look at introversion helps introverts, and those who love them, see the commonality of their qualities and characteristics.
Your guy is likely only comfortable interacting with a very small group of people at any one time. He is quiet because he is listening, not because he doesn’t want to know people.
He is comfortable with and interacts with you because being in your presence doesn’t overwhelm him.
More insight into his nature will help you to understand him better. For him, self-knowledge might help him to find ways to push through his temperament in order to please you, your friends and family. He should also grow to understand that there is nothing at all “wrong” with him.
