Every year, texting while driving kills thousands. You’ve seen the stories online. Or maybe, like me, you read them on your cellphone while you’re merrily driving through a red light or juggling bowling pins while weaving through crosstown traffic.
This week the city took action, making it a crime to text and drive in Tucson. Hopefully we’ll witness fewer of these kind of text exchanges:
-Whats yr ETA? Where r u?
-Driving. Grant n Campbell, dodging jackrabbits.
-DON’T text & drive!!!
-@ River n Campbell almos ther
-STP txtng n drvng! STP STP STP
-@ 1st n River. Traffic’s a—
-Hello? wuzzup??? U still there?
-Do mE a soliD. CALL 911. CALL my iNsurance agEnt & BriNg clean uNderWear to hoSpital ER
-Anything else???
-kNow a gOod lawyEr?
I am going to change my texting habit. Or I’ll go broke, one $250 fine at a time! It’s a tough habit to break. I wrote this column on my phone while negotiating I-10 at rush hour. And I only dropped one bowling pin. Was that a desert tortoise I ran over or a smart car?
First step: You have to admit you have a problem.
At last night’s “text-a-holics” meeting, I confessed that I text while driving. And that I talk on my phone while driving, mostly to my car insurance company agent, asking why my rates are so high. I also like to juggle bowling pins while I drive. Our group therapy leader was troubled by this. “Are you crazy?”
“I’m a Tucsonan.”
“That’s your excuse for reckless driving?”
“Don’t judge me. Could there be a better time to practice juggling while watching a Youtube tutorial than when you’re weaving in and out of rush hour traffic on Speedway? I think not.”
“You definitely think not.”
“Thanks for the burn, Yoda.”
Second step: What strategies will you use to resist the temptation to text while driving? I discussed this last night with my son, who is about to get his learner’s permit, while I was fine-tuning KXCI on the dial, answering my email, tweeting and juggling my prized bowling pins while driving us to the auto-body repair shop for an estimate.
Me: I know I’ve got to stop driving like this.
Matt: Yeah, dog. You’re a terrible role model.
Me: Listen, if my phone rings and I reach for it, shoot me with this tranquilizer gun given to me by Arizona Game and Fish. Aim for my neck. Here, take my phone and duct-tape it to the roof of our car.
Matt: Courageous way to deal with your addiction issue, Dad. Can you put down the bowling pins when you drive? And keep both hands on the wheel, dog! Hey, Dad! Your phone’s ringing.
Me: It’s ringing? Really? I should answer it. Look at me! Sweating like a junkie. I’ve got to answer it. Let me answer it! Hey! Who’s back there honking at me?
Matt: Everyone on the road. And some guy with a bowling pin in his cracked windshield. Ignore your phone. Watch the road! What th-?! You just drove through a red light! You’re going to kill some-
Me: Does Canyon Ranch offer rehab for phone addicts? Give me my phone! I’m going to search Yelp right now for treatment centers — after I take a pic of the jackass who just flipped me off! Son of a-
Matt: Stop it! I’ve got the dart gun and it’s loaded. Grab this phone again and you’re a rhino in a display at the Wildlife Mausoleum.
Me: I heard my phone alerts! An email, a message, a text and a voice mail just came in! Give me my phone. Give it to me!
Matt: Eyes on the road. Use your Bluetooth.
Me: Is that like a blue hair?
Matt: Really? I’ll show you how to set up your Bluetooth up — so you can drive and talk with your hands free. At school this week we heard from the survivors of accidents caused by distracted drivers, Dad. There’s nothing funny about texting and driving.
Matt the Brat was right. Thousands have died because of drivers who were convinced they were too cool to slip up. What’s one more text? Every last destroyer of a life was dead certain they were too cool, too alert and too good at multi-tasking to make a fatal mistake.
Next week the city will further address the issue of distracted drivers by considering a proposal to inject Ritalin into the city’s water supply. I’m driving to that meeting. Seat belt buckled. Phone taped to the roof. Bowling pins in the trunk. And my Bluetooth on.
