What lies ahead for OSIRIS-REx and the University of Arizona’s audacious mission to collect samples from an asteroid named Bennu? I have the answer. We pick up with the action roughly two years from now when OSIRIS-REx arrives near Bennu.
2018: OSIRIS-REx starts sending back pictures and data about Bennu. While the National Enquirer runs stories alleging that “Elvis” is on Bennu, the University of Arizona’s team of scientists identify the best possible site for grabbing a scoop of asteroid dust. Meanwhile the spunky spacecraft reads “The Martian,” plays solitaire and scans match.com for well-oiled androids.
2020: OSIRIS-REx sidles up next to Bennu and reaches out with a spring loaded “Slug bug” to thump about 2 ounces of asteroid dust into a container.
Bennu, rubbing her shoulder, asks, “Why did you do that?”
OSIRIS-REx tips his titanium space fedora and says, “Science, sister. Science.”
From earth, Elton John serenades OSIRIS-REx with his smash hit tribute song, “Bennu and the Jets.” OSIRIS-REx pours himself some rocket fuel and savors the moment.
2021: OSIRIS-REx, now an international celebrity, heads home with the goods. He senses he is no ordinary spacecraft.
2023: OSIRIS-REx drops the space dust off in Utah and slips into a heliocentric orbit. Far above the Earth he longs for acclaim. Lamenting the loneliness of space he demands to be brought home. He is greeted with unparalleled fanfare. “The little spacecraft that could” accepts an invitation to ride in a ticker tape parade in Manhattan, followed by an address to the United Nations where he is introduced by R2-D2.
2024: OSIRIS-REx announces he prefers to be called REx.
REx moves to Los Angeles, hires a management team, signs a book contract with Random Planet and appears on the “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon ,” where he demonstrates dust collection to a standing ovation.
George Clooney Jr. options rights to the film. Buzz Lightyear, C-3PO and WALL-E sign on for brief cameo roles. “REx” opens Christmas day.
2026: A violent robot uprising kills the public’s appetite for heartwarming robot stories. “REx” is a box office flop.
REx accepts a recurring cameo role on “Futurama,” and humiliated, begins drinking rocket fuel like a Saturn V.
2036: REx changes his name to T-REx. Often seen alone and intoxicated, T-REx spends his days collecting soil samples on the beach below his Malibu home, humming “Rocket Man.”
2046: A decade passes. “T-REx” is asked by “The Federation” to christen a new starship, the “USS Enterprise.” He shows up ranting about the “unfair depiction” of robotic spacecraft in film. “Why do they always have to be evil? Why do they always have to be ‘watching us’ and ‘armed with death rays’? That’s such a cliche. The Hal 9000! It’s simple ignorance.” He falls off the platform, breaks his antennae.
2055: An aging T-REx is rumored to be working at “Disney World of Mars,” as a ride operator on their vintage “Star Tours” ride. The old robot becomes known around the solar system for his entertaining narration of the asteroid dodging sequence.
He no longer drinks rocket fuel, crediting his recovery to a droid named “Bennuvia.”
T-REx announces a motivational speaking tour, under the name of OSIRIS-REx, to promote his e-book “Know your Trajectory!”
2056: President Miley Cyrus applauds his positive transformation and invites him to give his talk at the White House, calling his recovery and his remarkable journey across space and back, “A monumental achievement.”
