The moderator for the 27th Republican debate at the Academy of Arts and Sciences in downtown Los Angeles was William Shatner. He walked on stage and said, “Good evening … ladies … and gentlemen … and candidates. Tonight, this is our mission: to boldly go where no candidates have gone before, to explore the one question on everyone’s mind. Let’s start with Mr. Trump. Which is better ‘Star Wars’ or ‘Star Trek’?”
Trump: “Star Trek”! “Star Wars” is weak. The story goes nowhere. Darth Vader is weak. Yoda is too low-energy for me. Vader’s a terrible negotiator! He doesn’t frighten me. He doesn’t even frighten the rebels! I’ve worked with brokers 10 times scarier than that loser.
Jeb Bush: Why do you hate “Star Wars”?
Trump: Han Solo. He’s overrated! Han Solo got captured! He’s a loser, not a hero. Heroes don’t get captured. Ask McCain.
Jeb: That is just so …
Trump: Can I speak, please? So I take it you love the Klingons?
Jeb: What?
Trump: I will say this, if I were president of the United Federation of Planets I would ban all Klingons from entering the Federation zone.
Jeb: What is wrong with you!?
Shatner: Thank you … gentlemen. Mr. Ted Cruz? Your answer?
Cruz: They’ll get my “Star Wars” DVD collection when they pry it from my dead cold fingers! “Star Wars” is way better than “Star Trek”! And for one reason: The awesome Death Star with its 20 billion trillion megaton death star beam. If I’m elected president, America will build one between the Earth and the moon. That will put the fear of God into Muslims … I mean ISIS. Of course some innocent civilians will have to die, but, like Darth Vader says …
Rand Paul, waved his hand frantically, interrupting Cruz. “Mr. Shatner! Can I just say that ‘Star Trek’ is a billion times better than ‘Star Wars?’ ”
Trump sneered. “Oh, look the Ewok speaks.”
As Rand Paul pulled a pocket copy of the Constitution from his pocket he said, “Because of the Prime Directive, gentlemen — the guiding principle of the Federation! The one that prevents Star Fleet from interfering with other developing civilizations? Need I remind you all …”
Chris Christie scowled. “Oh, please! Every second episode they were violating the Prime Directive.”
“Were not!”
“Were!”
“Were not!”
“Were!”
Shatner barked into his microphone. “Mr. Christie! ‘Star Wars’ or ‘Star Trek’? ”
Christie: “Star Wars”!
Trump: There’s a surprise! Jabba the Hutt loves “Star Wars”.
Christie: Know what I love, Donald? That wookiee on your head!
Trump dove on Christie, knocking him to the floor. Jeb cheered Christie on. Bouncers, dressed as stormtroopers, separated the two men as Shatner restored order. “I’ll have you both beamed out of here!”
From out of nowhere Marco Rubio spoke. “I just want to say that when ‘Star Wars’ first came out I was 6 years old.”
A winded Trump said, “You still look 6. Which one of Ricky Ricardo’s kids were you?”
Shatner: Can we stay on topic ...
Trump: Hey can I say something? My position on “Star Wars” is evolving. And I thought you all should know this. I just remembered what I like about “Star Wars.” And it is phenomenal!
Do you remember the first time you saw Carrie Fisher in that gold bikini chained to that fat alien? Now that’s how to treat a wo--
Carly Fiorina: Dis-gust-ing! May I say how much I enjoyed “Star Wars” because of Darth Vader’s management style? When I was at Hewlett-Packard …
Shatner: Thank you, Carly. Dr. Carson. “Star Wars” or “Star Trek”?
Ben Carson: Are those movies?
Shatner: Yes.
Carson: I like movies with doctors.
Shatner: “Star Trek” has a doctor — Dr. McCoy! “Bones”! He’s the Chief Medical Officer on the U.S.S. Enterprise.
At the same time Trump, Jeb, Paul, Rubio and Cruz shouted, “I love free enterprise!”
Carson: I love free enterprise, too. It’s what made us great! Is that my time? When can we debate “National Treasure” and the mystery of the pyramids?
Trump: Can we have Carson checked for any signs of intelligent life?
Shatner: Mr. Trump. I have a phaser and it is set on “stun.”
Trump: Whoa! That is very unfair. I do not deserve to be treated like that. I love Trekkies! I love Captain Kirk! I love …
Jeb Bush: … the spotlight. I just want to say “Star Trek” is cooler than “Star Wars” because of the Vulcan neck-pinch thing. I love it when Spock does that! It’s awesome!
Trump: Right on! I love it, too! Here. I’ll show you how it works.
Trump pinched Jeb’s neck and he dropped to the floor. “Anybody else? No? I didn’t think so. Anybody? No?”
With that Mr. Shatner pressed a button and they were beamed offstage.
