Instilling that helping those in need is more valuable than the gift itself

“Our granddaughter is 30. She worked through college, has student loans and a college diploma but lives at home and hasn’t been able to find a decent job. She wants to move to a larger city but needs a car to do so. My husband says she should scrub toilets to save money for a car. Her parents cannot afford to help much but we can help her buy a safe used car and I think we should. He says we shouldn’t baby her. Who is right???”

In a recent column I warned grandparents about the Two Big Bad I-words: INTERFERENCE and INDULGENCE. Interference can cause new parents to struggle with confidence in their parenting skills. Indulgence, over-indulged in, can cause Toy Overload and the “Gimme’s.”

Another I-word prompted by the above email comes to mind: INFANTILIZING. Grandpa is dead-set against treating an adult grandchild like a baby. You strongly feel this adult grandchild needs a helping hand.

The easiest thing to do, especially as you can afford it, is to “…help her buy a safe used car…” But let’s back up from what is easiest to what might be best for this young woman.

Your granddaughter has graduated from college and is trying to emancipate herself from her parents by getting a job commensurate with her education. You don’t tell me what her degree is in but a college diploma in itself can lead to better jobs.

Her main task in life at age 30 is to be a grownup which means she can live independently from her family, is able to make a living, and is on her way to choosing a mate. Instead she is living with her parents and jobless so her “grownup score” is not great.

She is not alone today because of what is happening in our world as technology changes the job landscape. Pew Research Center data show that 15 percent of 25- to 35-year-olds Millennials live in their parents’ home, compared to 10 percent of Generation Xers in 2000 and 8 percent of the Silent Generation in 1964. As for how they feel about it, I doubt there are many 30-year olds who want to be broke, jobless, and still living at home.

Some young adults decide to live with their parents because it helps them achieve a life plan. They are finishing college or a graduate degree. Or they may be working at a low-level job but living at home so they can save for a down payment on a car or house and will be able to fly on their own when they “launch.”

Grandma’s email does not tell us whether Granddaughter has asked her grandparents for money. It doesn’t matter as you know she should be on her own. So talk to each other like grownups about the best way to help this young woman. I bet you two can agree that infantilizing an adult is not healthy, but giving a helping hand to someone with a plan can be a path to success.

The next step is to talk with your granddaughter to get a sense of how she feels about her situation and what her plan is for her future.

Ideally after talking to each other and your granddaughter, you will agree on what you should do, taking into account your own finances and how your actions will affect your grandchild.

I have strong feelings based on my own experiences and my observations of other families that grandparental money can be either a life-altering blessing or an infantilizing burden. The way in which money is offered makes a difference. Going back to school or buying a car with a low interest family loan can be a booster start to success. You might offer to pay for counseling if your granddaughter is not sure at this point what she wants to do with her life.

Sometimes generosity can be counterproductive because it is interpreted as, “We don’t think you can do this on your own so we will do it for you.” Sometimes generosity can be destructively enabling. Everyone will agree that writing a check to an addict is not a good idea.

I suggest you take to heart and use these helpful words I learned from my own wise counselor, “Often the best thing to say is ‘I know how you feel.’ accompanied by a big hug.” These few words provide understanding, sympathy, and love. Trying to fix things for someone on the other hand can make the person feel less able to do it alone.

As in all advice I offer to parents and grandparents, first do no harm. Second offer love and emotional support so the child or grandchild can best make a plan for his or her own future. Third offer what support you can provide to carry out this plan.

I once asked my aunt for money when I was an impoverished medical student. My parents were sending my sister to college at the same time and I was reluctant to ask them for any more money. My aunt wrote me a check for $500 that helped enormously. When I could afford it I offered to pay her back. She said, “Give it to someone who needs it.” I have taken her advice to heart and followed it. My goal has been to help those in need so they can become someone who can do the same thing someday.