Money Manners: It's Mom's money

Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

My brother and I have two half sisters. Their father — our stepfather — passed away two years ago. I recently learned that our half sisters subsequently persuaded my mother — their stepmother — to write my brother and me out of her will.

Apparently, my half sisters have convinced Mom that, because she never worked outside the home, all of her money came from their father, so only they should inherit it. Does this seem right? I’ve stopped speaking to my mother over this.

— Disinherited, Utah

Dear Disinherited:

Next time you happen to speak to your half sisters, ask them how much their father paid your mother to prepare his meals.

But to answer your question: These two women are dead wrong. For one thing, the fact that your mother wasn’t paid for work she did at home doesn’t mean it had no value. And for another, in choosing to leave that money to your mother, your stepfather also chose to allow her to bequeath it to whomever she chose. Had he wanted only his daughters to inherit his dough from her, his will would have said so.

Now, had your mother and stepfather married late in life, and had his wealth been accumulated prior to their marriage, your half sisters’ moral claim on the money might have merit. But that’s not the case.

The argument they’ve peddled to your mother that her stay-at-home status requires her to make them alone her heirs is as wrong-headed as it is self-serving. We hope your mother reconsiders.

By the way, wouldn’t it make more sense to stop speaking to your half sisters? They’re the villains here, plus your mother might change her mind.

Back to homepage

Subscriber Login

Keep reading with a digital access subscription.

Subscribe now

Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

When my second cousin’s son got married in Omaha, she and her husband were kind enough to invite my elderly mother to the wedding. Mom went and had a wonderful time.

However, because she’s not used to spending the kind of money on wedding presents that people now do, she gave the bride and groom a chintzy gift. Should I contact my cousin and apologize? I wouldn’t want her to think badly of my mother, especially when she and her family went to so much trouble to ensure that Mom had a great time.

— T.C., Pennsylvania

Dear T.C.:

Come on, the bride and groom probably love those two tea towels.

Seriously, it’s not a crime to give an inexpensive wedding gift. Plus, your cousin surely has other elderly relatives, hence she understands that the scale of your mother’s gift, like the proverbial five bucks enclosed in a birthday card from an elderly grandparent, is not a measure of your mother’s affection. Most importantly, though, taking it upon yourself to apologize for your mother would be infantilizing her, and that would simply be wrong.

We know: You’re embarrassed by your mother’s seeming cheapness.

So if it’ll make you feel better, send your cousin a nice bottle of whatever festive libation you think she’ll enjoy, along with a note congratulating her on her son’s marriage. Just don’t mention the wedding gift in the note.