Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
My girlfriend βSloaneβ and I decided it would be fun to go to Cape Cod for the weekend, so we booked and paid for a room at a small inn there, sharing the cost. Then, a few days before we were to leave, Sloane told me she was having trouble completing her taxes, and she felt she had to stay home and finish them (sheβd already filed for an extension, which was expiring). She also said that doing her taxes meant she wouldnβt have time for me that weekend, and she encouraged me to go to the Cape as planned. She added β half-heartedly, I thought β that she didnβt expect me to reimburse her for her half of the room. What do you think? Am I obligated to give her the $200 sheβd paid? Frankly, I didnβt want to go by myself, but I couldnβt see letting the room go to waste.
β Disappointed, Connecticut
Dear Disappointed:
Are you sure Sloane didnβt have to stay home to wash her hair?
Seriously, Sloane voted with her feet when she chose to walk away from not only the paid-for room but also her commitment to spend time with you that weekend. Thereβs no need for you to subsidize her decision. She did what she wanted to do: stay at home. You got stuck with something you no longer wanted: a room at a romantic inn that cost you 200 bucks. If anyone should be offering to reimburse someone, Sloane should be offering to reimburse you.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
Iβm the parent of three adult children. Two live nearby, while the third lives 1,000 miles away. The three share equally in my will, and on their birthdays and at Christmas, I give them gifts of equal value. The local ones eat dinner at my house weekly, or I treat them to dinner out. Also, I have a pair of theater tickets, and one of them goes with me, or, rarely, they both go and I stay home. I donβt keep track of how much Iβm spending on the local kids, but obviously the child who lives far away is getting cheated. I donβt know how to equalize my spending, except that sometimes we travel together, and I pay for the hotel room of the out-of-town child and some of his meals. Any ideas?
β Eleanor, Upstate New York
Dear Eleanor:
Two of your children attend to you on a weekly basis, and you think the child who doesnβt is being cheated? Think again.
We donβt doubt that the children who live near you take pleasure in your company. But giving you one or more evenings a week still has to be a sacrifice for them. Moreover, itβs not the 1,000-miles-away child youβre calling if you need a ride to the doctor or a quart of milk when youβre snowed in.
Good for you for wanting to be fair and even-handed with your children. But to do that, you need to consider how much each one is doing for you and how much responsibility each takes for your well-being.
