Money Manners: Return cash gifts for short-lived union

Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

When our friends’ daughter “Samantha” got married in the spring, the only wedding gift she and “Teddy” wanted was money. Samantha and Teddy aren’t needy — both have good jobs, and they own a home — and frankly, we were somewhat put off by their request. Still, we went along with it. Fast-forward six months, and now the couple are getting a divorce. My wife and I think they should return the money their wedding guests gave them. But Samantha’s parents say the couple believes that a gift is a gift, and they have no intention of returning the money. What’s your reaction?

— Annoyed, Bakersfield, California

Dear Annoyed:

So have these two launched a GoFundMe campaign to pay for their lawyers?

Seriously, what possible reason other than greed could Samantha and Teddy have for keeping gifts intended to celebrate what has turned out to be their very short-lived union? It’d be one thing not to return the kinds of traditional presents Samantha and Teddy chose to eschew — linens embroidered with the couple’s initials, say, or a toaster that has been used. But cold, hard cash is a different story. Of course the divorcing couple should at least offer to give back the dough. If they don’t and Samantha subsequently remarries, your next wedding present to her should be your pledge to give her a nice check on her 10th anniversary.

Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

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My mother, who’s in her 90s, has moved into an assisted-living facility. When my wife and I proposed that we move into her now-vacant house, Mom was thrilled. She’s glad the house won’t be sitting empty, and glad we’ll now be available to take her to appointments, visit her more frequently and so on. Although Mom doesn’t want us to pay for anything, our plan is to pay for the utilities. Now, here’s our question: When my mother dies, should rent for the time we spent in the house be deducted from my share of her estate? While my siblings seem delighted that we’re moving into Mom’s house, I want to be fair about everything.

— K.C., Arkansas

Dear K.C.:

A lot depends on how much time you spend attending to your mother’s needs. If being her caretaker ends up being a quarter- to half-time job — if you’re in effect earning your keep by looking after her — then there’s no reason why your inheritance should be reduced at all by your residing in your mother’s home. In fact, it’s possible it should be increased.

On the other hand, if your siblings are shouldering an equal share of the caretaking, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be paying rent.

Either way, we suggest that you and your siblings not wait until your mother dies to resolve who owes whom what. People today are living longer and longer, meaning it’s possible your mother could have no estate left by the time she dies, leaving either you or your siblings short-changed.