Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
As crazy as it sounds, my sister believes — and often says — I stole her life. “Anne” is 11 years younger than I am, and when she was 10, our parents suffered a serious financial reversal. Consequently, they moved into a small apartment from the big house in which I’d grown up. Plus Anne missed out on the private schools and European vacations I’d enjoyed. Now that we’re both adults, she’s always “kidding” about how my privileged upbringing should have been hers — kidding on the square. I don’t disagree that what happened was unfair. But it wasn’t my fault, and this “stolen life” business is really irritating. What should I do?
— Elizabeth, New York
Dear Elizabeth:
Seems your passive-aggressive sister has a talent for hyperbole. Unfortunately for you, siblings who have a talent for understatement are much more pleasant to be around.
It’s not that Anne’s resentment isn’t understandable. But by the time we’re adults, most of us realize that when fate conspires against us, we’re not entitled to play the guilt card with blameless friends and relatives who happen to have enjoyed better fortune.
Since you’ve already been appropriately sympathetic, the next time Anne “kiddingly” says you stole her life, laugh and say, “Aren’t you past the sell-by date on that old line?” Or you can try the classic “Oh, please” with an eye roll. ... Good luck.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
Is it OK to ask my niece to keep secret from our family how much money I’m giving her? While I’ve helped out with all of my nieces’ and nephews’ educations, I’m giving considerably more money to “Alyssa,” who’s just starting medical school, and I’m concerned her siblings and cousins might think I’m being unfair. That’s why I’d like to ask her to keep the magnitude of my help a secret. Would that be wrong? I don’t want to compromise Alyssa’s integrity or make her look bad if her cousins find out.
— Auntie in California
Dear Auntie:
Not to be cynical, but even close relatives rarely ask someone facing a substantial expense where the money’s coming from to cover it, basically because it’s hard not to offer help when you’ve made it your business to find out if help is needed. So, practically speaking, you might not have much to worry about.
But to answer your question: As much as your relatives might like to know to whom you give money and how much, that information is none of their business. Hence you’re not compromising your niece’s integrity by asking her to keep to herself what others have no right to know.
Nor, by the way, do your nieces and nephews have the right to expect you to be equally generous with them. There’s no law that says you can’t double down on the relative you feel is most promising or deserving or, for that matter, loving.
As for blowback should the others find out how much you’re helping Alyssa: Hey, if your niece can handle cutting up a cadaver, she surely can deal with a few jealous remarks.
