Money Manners: Friend's secrecy is principled, not greedy

Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

A friend’s father moved into an independent-living facility a few years ago, a facility to which I’d like to move my mother. This friend has mentioned that she got a great deal for her father. But when I recently asked her exactly how much he is paying, she wouldn’t tell me. The reason, she said, is that in giving her father such a low rate, the facility insisted that she and her father promise not to tell anyone how much he’s paying. I’m furious. Isn’t my friend being disloyal to put some greedy corporation ahead of our friendship?

— Betrayed, Missouri

Dear Betrayed:

Take a deep breath and relax. Your friend is not putting a greedy corporation ahead of you; she’s putting keeping her word ahead of helping you negotiate with the independent-living facility. She is, in other words, being principled.

While one could argue that she needn’t feel quite so duty-bound, in no way has your friend betrayed you. She is simply honoring a pledge — a pledge she made in order to secure a good deal for her dad — and you are wrong to imagine that her friendship with you obligates her to break her word.

Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

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I used to have two roommates, and each of us paid different house bills —utilities, cable, etc. The idea was that we’d settle with one another at the end of the month and make things square. But one guy would never get around to telling the other two of us how much we owed him, no matter how often we asked. This guy moved out a year ago, but now he’s sent me an email asking for over $500 for my share of bills he says he paid. How do I handle this? He didn’t include any documentation, and $500 is a huge amount of money for me. I don’t want to skip out on a debt. But isn’t it a little crazy for him to expect that much money so long after the fact? Also, I never agreed to run a tab; I agreed to pay him monthly.

— K.C., Los Angeles

Dear K.C.:

Does he also want interest?

Seriously, since this guy waited so long to ask for his money, you’re right to want documentation — right to want an explanation of where the “$500” number came from. If you’re not satisfied with his accounting — if you honestly believe he spent less than he’s telling you — the benefit of the doubt goes to you. After all, there’d be no uncertainty had he presented a bill when he should have. But you do need to repay the guy. The fact that the debt is stale doesn’t erase it.

One more thing: Having failed to submit a monthly bill in accordance with the procedure you’d all agreed to, your former roommate can scarcely treat the debt to him that you unwillingly accumulated as his personal savings account, available to him on demand. Pay off a portion monthly, and he’ll have nothing to complain about.