Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
My daughter is getting married, and my husband and I recently had dinner with her fiance and his parents to go over the plans for the wedding. As we were leaving the restaurant, the groom’s mother pulled me aside and said: “So, how much money do you folks have? I’m asking because our children are going to need to buy a home and send their kids to good schools, and my husband and I would like to know how much help they can count on from you.” I was dumbfounded. Was this a reasonable question? So you know, the groom comes from a prosperous family, but my husband and I are nobody’s poor relations.
— E.T., North Carolina
Dear E.T.:
Well, there’s a candidate for the Chutzpah Hall of Fame.
To be fair, this woman’s not wrong to care about her son’s and daughter-in-law’s financial resources. However, that’s an issue she and her husband should raise privately with their son. And if they’re wondering specifically about what your family might one day contribute to the newlyweds’ coffers, that, too, is an issue they should take up with him and let him discuss it with your daughter.
Being the wealthier of the two sets of parents gives them no right to cross-examine you about your finances, let alone dictate what the happy couple is going to need in the years ahead. We hope their son is more of a gentleman.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
A good friend of mine in college went on to become a successful entrepreneur. I don’t see much of him anymore except at reunions, where we have a few beers and reminisce about the crazy things we did when we were young. My sister, who’s aware of this friendship, wants me to ask my friend to help her son “Brandon” find a job. Unfortunately, Brandon isn’t very bright, plus he has a bad temper and a terrible employment history. So while I’d hesitate to ask my friend to help find anyone a job — that kind of favor is outside the bounds of our friendship — I especially don’t want to foist Brandon on him. What should I do? My mother, who is Brandon’s grandmother, is really leaning on me.
— Feeling Squeezed, Sunnyvale, California
Dear Squeezed:
There’s no excuse, not even ignorance, for your sister asking you to impose like that on an old, but no-longer-close friend. You can tell her, “Sorry, but that’s a completely inappropriate favor for me to ask him.”
However, if that’s too hard for you to do, especially with your mother twisting your arm, contact your friend, explain the situation with your mother, and ask him if there’s someone in his HR department who could talk to your nephew for 10 minutes before saying, “I’m sorry, we have no jobs you’d be right for, but we’ll keep you in mind if something comes up.” Trust us, your friend will understand. After all, everybody has a relative like Brandon — or Brandon’s grandmother.
