Money Manners: Siblings worry more about inheritance than mom

Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

My elderly mother wants to move into my basement, and she’s offered to pay for the remodeling needed to make the space comfortable for her. I’m fine with having her live here. But she and my siblings think the amount she spends on my basement should be deducted from my share of Mom’s estate when she dies, and added to theirs. I’ve spoken to an appraiser and a real estate agent, and both tell me that improving the basement will do little to increase the value of my house — that I’d be lucky to get 25 cents for every dollar spent. My siblings refuse to believe this. They’ve convinced themselves — and Mom — that whatever she spends is sure to increase the value of my home by the same amount. What should I do?

— Troubled, California

Dear Troubled:

Tell your siblings that if this is such a good deal, they should invite your mother to live with them.

Sound harsh? Maybe. But your siblings’ preoccupation with their inheritances raises a big red flag. Here’s why: If your mother moves in with you, this won’t be the last time your sibs will have to decide between preserving their inheritances and doing the right thing by you — and her. Suppose, say, you need some help caring for Mom. Are these guys going to approve of your mother paying for it? Sounds unlikely. And suppose the time comes when your mother’s doctor insists that she needs more care than she can receive in your home. Given how expensive assisted living is and how it would eat into your mother’s assets, how likely are these guys to believe the doctor and not insist that she remain with you?

Sadly, this sort of thing happens every day. So if your sibs won’t back off from their insistence that you give up a share of your mother’s estate equal to the amount she spends making living quarters for herself in your home — if, for them, your mother’s care is all about minimizing the drain on their inheritances — we suggest you tell them to find another place for Mom to live, then do your best to rein in their worst impulses.

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Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

For her fifth wedding anniversary, I gave my sister a fine bowl, intended for display. But when I visited her recently, I could see it’s being used as a snack bowl in the TV room. How can I let her know the bowl is valuable without sounding either disapproving or like I want her to know I spent a lot?

— M.W., Upstate New York

Dear M.W.:

At least you didn’t find the dog drinking from it.

But to answer your question: Sometime when you’re not at your sister’s home — sometime when it won’t necessarily be obvious that you’re aware of how your gift is being used — casually mention to her that she should add the bowl to her insurance policy because “it’s definitely worth insuring individually.” Don’t be too upset, though, if your sister continues to fill it with popcorn. It’s her bowl, and she gets to enjoy it as she chooses.