Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
My elderly mother wants to move into my basement, and sheโs offered to pay for the remodeling needed to make the space comfortable for her. Iโm fine with having her live here. But she and my siblings think the amount she spends on my basement should be deducted from my share of Momโs estate when she dies, and added to theirs. Iโve spoken to an appraiser and a real estate agent, and both tell me that improving the basement will do little to increase the value of my house โ that Iโd be lucky to get 25 cents for every dollar spent. My siblings refuse to believe this. Theyโve convinced themselves โ and Mom โ that whatever she spends is sure to increase the value of my home by the same amount. What should I do?
โ Troubled, California
Dear Troubled:
Tell your siblings that if this is such a good deal, they should invite your mother to live with them.
Sound harsh? Maybe. But your siblingsโ preoccupation with their inheritances raises a big red flag. Hereโs why: If your mother moves in with you, this wonโt be the last time your sibs will have to decide between preserving their inheritances and doing the right thing by you โ and her. Suppose, say, you need some help caring for Mom. Are these guys going to approve of your mother paying for it? Sounds unlikely. And suppose the time comes when your motherโs doctor insists that she needs more care than she can receive in your home. Given how expensive assisted living is and how it would eat into your motherโs assets, how likely are these guys to believe the doctor and not insist that she remain with you?
Sadly, this sort of thing happens every day. So if your sibs wonโt back off from their insistence that you give up a share of your motherโs estate equal to the amount she spends making living quarters for herself in your home โ if, for them, your motherโs care is all about minimizing the drain on their inheritances โ we suggest you tell them to find another place for Mom to live, then do your best to rein in their worst impulses.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
For her fifth wedding anniversary, I gave my sister a fine bowl, intended for display. But when I visited her recently, I could see itโs being used as a snack bowl in the TV room. How can I let her know the bowl is valuable without sounding either disapproving or like I want her to know I spent a lot?
โ M.W., Upstate New York
Dear M.W.:
At least you didnโt find the dog drinking from it.
But to answer your question: Sometime when youโre not at your sisterโs home โ sometime when it wonโt necessarily be obvious that youโre aware of how your gift is being used โ casually mention to her that she should add the bowl to her insurance policy because โitโs definitely worth insuring individually.โ Donโt be too upset, though, if your sister continues to fill it with popcorn. Itโs her bowl, and she gets to enjoy it as she chooses.
