Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
According to my elderly father’s will, when he dies, everything he owns becomes part of his estate, which is to be divided into thirds. Whatever items in his house my two brothers or I would like to have, we’ll need to negotiate with one another for.
I don’t think this is fair. Over the years, my wife and I gave Dad and Mom a number of valuable collectibles, and I think we should get them back before the rest of his personal property is divided up. But my brothers, who’ve never given anything of value to my parents, want to divide everything equally, including our expensive gifts. What are your thoughts?
— Potentially Short-Changed, Kansas City, Missouri
Dear Short-Changed:
We think you’re on to something when it comes to your brothers’ motives.
That said, if your father dies without changing his will, then only in the moral arena do you have a claim on the expensive things you alone gave to your parents. To have a legal claim, you’ll need to persuade your father to stipulate in his will that gifts from his children are to be returned to the gift-givers. We hope he sees things your way.
One question, though: Have you been doing a full third of the work involved in caring for your elderly father? Because the strength of your moral claim to the items you want rests in part on the assumption that, outside of the arena of gifts, you’ve done as much for your parents as your brothers have.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
My wife’s father has always been a financial burden. Frankly, the guy’s a lazy slug who’d rather hit us up for money than get or keep a job. But my wife insists that we “help out,” and I’ve always deferred to her wishes.
Now, though, our adult daughter seems to be going down the same path as her grandfather. While my wife is OK with subsidizing her, I’m worried that if we regularly give money to two people, we won’t have enough for our retirement. What should I do?
— E.F., Utah
Dear E.F.:
Who knew the freeloader gene could skip a generation?
Even though it apparently has in your family, the real problem that needs to be addressed is your wife, who it seems can’t say “no.”
While it may be late in the day for her to alter her behavior, the fact is she’s a better bet to change than her low-character father or daughter. So at least try to get her to join you for a few sessions with a financial planner.
Hopefully the planner can illuminate for your wife why the two of you can’t afford this kind of largesse, and can help you establish a few rules to protect your financial security (e.g., thou shalt not withdraw from the retirement accounts).
And if what your wife really lacks is the spine to deny these two sponges, then being able to shift the blame to the planner may give her the courage to finally stand up to them.
