Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
My husband and I often eat out with our friends “the Harrisons.” They’re great company, except for one thing: They always grab the best seats at the table for themselves — specifically, the seats with the best view. Up until now, their behavior’s been no big deal. But we’re planning a trip to the Canadian Rockies with them, and we’re unhappy at the thought of staring at a wall — or worse —while they look out the windows of the scenic-view restaurants we’ll be going to. And please understand, these restaurants are pricey places, where the view’s a big part of what we’ll be paying for. Not only are my husband and I not thrilled at the idea of paying for our friends’ view (we always split the tab fifty-fifty), but we’d like to gaze out at some mountains and lakes ourselves. Is it too late to say something? We wouldn’t want our friends to think we’d been resentful all this time.
— D.P., Scranton, Pennsylvania
Dear D.P.:
All those years facing bathrooms and it’s taken the prospect of a view of the Rockies to stir you to action? We admire your restraint.
But to answer your question: At the second scenic-view restaurant of the trip, comment on the beautiful vista as you head toward your table, then say with a smile: “Since you guys had the view last time, we’d like to have it now. And from here on, why don’t we take turns?” The Harrisons may well be stunned. But unless they’re pathologically boorish, they’ll realize they have to acquiesce. And who knows? Over time, they may even adjust to the idea that the best seats are not automatically theirs.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
For years I’ve had a dilemma regarding how much support to provide my financially inept and irresponsible brother and sister. While both are college-educated, they’ve always chosen low-paying “creative” work over more remunerative jobs. Plus, they’re unwilling to get help with learning to live within their means or to take advantage of government-assistance programs. So since our parents died, I’m the one they turn to for help with rent and everything else. Fortunately, my husband and I can afford to bail them out. But I’m weary of their decadeslong failure to take responsibility for themselves. I’m also upset because they’ve made no effort to pay us back. For example, when my brother’s wife inherited money, he flat-out refused to repay us so much as a dime. What is my obligation to these guys?
— L.H., San Francisco
Dear L.H.:
Ah, the eternal question. Unfortunately, there’s no set rule for determining how much help one sibling owes another. But folks who are unwilling to seek financial advice and who feel no obligation to repay you when they’re in the chips? Their claim on your resources is pretty thin. Having subsidized their bad decisions for decades, you’re more than entitled to tell your siblings there’s a sunset provision on your generosity, and the clock is ticking. Or you can simply tell them it’s time they grow up.
