It started with a fly. A very pesky fly, insistent on dive bombing me as I drank my morning coffee and read the paper.
After a few ineffectual swoops with my hand, I headed for the closet where I knew the fly swatter would be – or rather what was left of the fly swatter. Half of its plastic “swatter” was torn and flopped over. The fly must have laughed.
Later that day, I was shopping at your usual big-box store – the one where insecticides and mouse traps are inexplicably shelved in the same general area as peanut butter and kumquats.
So naturally, I assumed fly swatters would be hanging around as well. Looked. Could not find. Up and down the aisles I went until I finally spotted a clerk. Before she could make a clean getaway, I corralled her.
“Where are the fly swatters?” I asked. She looked at me as if I’d asked where was Santa, and his eight tiny reindeer.
“Oh,” she replied. “If we have any, they’re down the next aisle. But we usually don’t have fly swatters this time of year. Out of season.”
Who knew all the flies had skipped town for Acapulco?
Naturally, I had to challenge her. “C’mon. You know we have flies in Tucson year ‘round.” Logic, however, seemed to escape her – and me. With a shrug of her shoulders, she was gone.
This, of course, is one of my pet peeves, items going out of season in a town that has two seasons: hot and not so hot. Try buying a bathing suit in August, or flip-flops in November.
Undeterred, I wheeled the cart down the aisle the clerk had pointed to and – Eureka! – I found, perhaps, the last two fly swatters in town. I bought both of them because that’s the way they came. Two for 98 cents. What a bargain.
So far, they’ve not been put to use. For the fly seems to have disappeared. Perhaps, he, too, is winging it down to Acapulco. Nevertheless, I am prepared.
Curious as to what the internet might have in the way of fly swatters, I logged on and found the most amazing thing. It’s called the Bug-A-Salt 2.0 Fly Shooter. Sale priced at $37.49 (Yes, you read that right, $37.49) it “takes out pesky flies with table salt without splattering them.”
What’s more, it’s “smooth-cocking slide makes it easy to operate” and its “powerful spring delivers exceptional range.” It also offers a “textured grip for sure handling” and “fires 80 shots before reloading.”
Comes in yellow – or “camo” for $39.74. Must be 18 to order. No word on whether it’s approved by the National Rifle Association. Guaranteed to arrive by Christmas.
Want something a tad less expensive? How about the Dynazap Flying Insect Zapper. Fully extendable and bendable, it kills mosquitoes, wasps, flies, hornets and yellow jackets with one well-placed zap. Two AA batteries included, $24.50.
And for the traditionalist in the family, there’s always the Real Old-Fashioned Fly Swatter. Yep, that’s its name. Comes with wire frame, wood handle, and strong mesh with sewn edges. “This is the way your grandparents remembered this essential tool of summer,” reads the ad. Um, at $7.95 for one, $35.95 for five, I think not.
Actually, my granny had a fly swatter that looked a lot like these and it was sturdy enough to not only swat flies but to also swat the bottom of any unruly grandchild. Ah, memories.
She also kept a tuft of cotton stuck to the front of her screen door with a bobby pin as a way to keep out the flies. No idea if it really worked. Then again, it probably worked about as well as shooting flies with salt.
